I am not perfect. I sin all the time and I have many flaws; the greatest being "great expectations". I expect a great deal from those around me and even more from those closest to me. I don't even realize that I am doing it. And because of this, I have hurt many in my life both past and present. Tonight, I hurt one of the dearest friends I have and recently, I truly hurt my wonderful mother….all because I had misplaced, over-powering expectations.
So why say that here? What does it have to do with the Race? Everything…..
Everyone has been asking me why I think God wants me to go on this trip, why now, why so extreme? The honest answer is because He loves me that much. I am one who learns lessons the hard way, and this is the one I am learning now. God will be the center of my life, even if He has to destroy everything around me, including myself, to be just that! That statement may shock some of you, but it is true. We learn as children that the FIRST commandment is: Thou Shall have NO other gods before ME (Exodus 20:3). We are commanded by our Creator to love Him above all things….why? Because that's how much He loves us! He sent His son to die in our stead! That is AWESOME!!! That is UNIMAGINABLE! Yet from the beginning, we all have put other little "gods" before us to worship and love instead of Him. The Isrealites did it and so do we….so do I.
For those who do not know, I am recently divorced. That divorce did more than break my heart, it broke my spirit. I wish I could tell you that I passed through this trial like Job, but unfortunately I did not. I made many mistakes that cost me a great deal. On the outside to most, I was holding up incredibly well, but on the inside, I was desolate, angry, afraid, and honestly quite disillusioned. I expected God to act a certain way, and when He did not, I became a ship tossed to and fro in a storm. What I learned through my marriage and divorce and everything that has happened since is that I have spent the vast majority of my life expecting people to meet the deepest needs of my heart, and not God. Honestly, people are just people. We are frail and selfish and oblivious. Most of the time we hurt each other and have no clue what we've done. It doesn't mean that we do it on purpose or out of malintent….it just means we are not God, and we WILL fail. We will fail each other and we will fail ourselves.
What I am learning is this, no human being is capable of fighting for me the way that I needed someone to during my divorce. No human being is capable of comforting me the way I needed someone to during my divorce. No human being is capable of listening as much as I needed someone to listen. No human being could do anything that I truly needed because they were mere human beings. Please don't misunderstand, I have been surrounded by many friends and family and pastors who have done all they can do for me and more. Their only failure was that they were not God and could not put me back together…and that is not their failure. It is mine. I looked to man and not to God to heal my brokeness and restore my soul. Only God can do all that for me.
For me, this trip is about refocusing on God. Learning how to "find" myself in Him. Learning to let Him heal me and mold me into what He would have me to be. To find true joy by serving and loving on people who truly have nothing. I have no choice but to trust God on this trip and that is scary and amazing all at the same time.
So my challenge to you is this, are you putting too great of expectations on people? Do you expect people to treat you better or love you more or seek your counsel more than they do? Do you expect people to acknoledge all the great things that you've done or the talents that you have or the amazing qualities you possess? DO you expect your friends to always be there for you, but forgive you when you are not there for them? To be kind and gentle with you when you are not always with them? To meet what you feel is their potiental or do what you feel God is wanting them to do in the way that you think God would want them to do it? Do you expect people to forgive you easily even though you don't? Do you expect them to give you more of their time, attention, money, love, respect, ect than you give them? Trust me, they won't….they can't. It's not their job, it's God's. And believe me, you have failed them too.
For all those in my life that I have hurt recently in this way, I am truly sorry…and sadly I will probably do it again, but please know that I love you and by God's grace, maybe I will do it a little less often in the future. Thank You Father for these hard lessons. They truly bring us closer to You, where our true joy and fulfillment can and will be found.
