Last night i had a hard time falling asleep and its been like that ever since the middle of last month in Haiti.
some nights i can’t fall asleep until 3or 4 im the am.
Lastnight night it was looking alot like one of those
"Lord help me to go to bed. I can't do this anymore. Im so tired and i feel so crappy. Lord, i need sleep."
I sat there stairing at the walls. It felt like my prayers weren't being heard
so I said to myself:
"I'm so sick of this, i just need to go home."
I decided to keep praying and start praying for all the people that were on my mind and within the hour i fell asleep
5:30 am rolled around and I woke up with a weird feeling in my stomach like i just should come home
Things are a little tough for me in thailand. The pressure is on.
It has been very hard for me to sleep, stay focused, to even want to serve. I’ve been waking up with no desire and it's wierd because it's all about building relationship here, getting to know the students, hang out with them and teach them and i love that stuff but for some reason that passion i usually have is lacking.
lately I don't even want to do team time. I don't want to dig deep. I don't want to try.
where is all this coming from?
why am i struggling so much?
I didn't understand why i was struggling until now….
I rolled out of bed,got on my knees and started to pray and ask the Lord if I should go home.
"Lord, Im listening should i go home. I know you have been placing a passion in my heart to start a ministry when i get back. So, are you calling me home. Is this why im struggling?
and i closed my eyes shut my mouth turned off my thoughts and listened
and this is what i heard:
"Miranda, If you cant focus here what makes you think you'll focus at home.This is preparation. You are here, on the worldrace so that you'll be ready for whats to come later in your life, So that youll be ready for America.
He’s preparing me for whats to come. Each country that i visit will bring out different things in me and will work on different areas. i will be molded and shaped thorugh out these 11 months but thats only if i decide to keep running this race.
I’ve always ran from pressure and if maybe for some reason i felt like i should stick it out i would pray for help and if i didn't see immediate results, i was out of there.
SOOO WRONG!
I wasn't giving a God chance to work in my heart.
I wasn't giving him a chance to teach me anything.
I wasn't giving myself a chance to grow, to be successful in life because i was always running.
The pressure is on in thailand and its pushin hard. Ughhh i can feel it but i cant run.
I have to fight it
The desire to go home is here but i have to stay put i cant run away!
I can't leave until the Lords work is done, Until im ready for what he has for me.
No more running because things get uncomfortable.
I want to grow, I want to be stretched.
This month is going to be hard for me, I know it. But I know where im going and who i want to be and in order to get there, I have to push forward.
No matter how i feel I'll keep pushing forward because i know there is greatness on the other side
The Lord is testing my heart and I plan on passing the test this time!
