My heart is changing and I won’t stop fighting until it’s in the place it needs to be
A few days ago I woke up with the worst attitude and it went a little something like this: I want to go home, I feel unused and useless, I have nothing to offer, I’m not like my teammates, I have way more baggage then them, I don’t belong, my testimony is so different I WANT TO GO HOME.
I had to pray at least 1000 times that day to rebuke the negative thoughts
I wrote this in my journal: “Lord, I want to run away from this so I don’t have to talk about my testimony. This is a heavy burden on my heart.”
Why did I wake up so annoyed and so angry? Because just the night before I shared a little bit of my testimony and I could already feel myself backing away from my teammates not wanting them to be around because they knew my past…
Telling my teammates just bits and pieces of my story stirred anger in my heart that I absolutely was not aware of.
Maybe I’ve had a chip on my shoulder this whole time and I didn’t even know it.
Time to brush this dirt off!
I’ve been runnin from my past for far too long
I DON’T WANT TO RUN ANYMORE.
It’s time to face my past, shake its hand, and accept it for what it is.
The painful situations in my life that Satan used to ruin me, Jesus will use as greatness in my life AND in others.
I will no longer be held in chains because of my past
I will no longer let Satan have a hold over my heart
I rebuke the lies that are whispered in my ears that I’m ugly and worthless
I won’t listen!
I am loved, so loved and I’m done feeling anything less than that.
It was worship time and my team and I were listening to praise songs. I was praying to God and even though I’ve known this for so long, he reminded me that every day it must be a conscious effort and a precise decision to serve him, to rebuke the negative thoughts in order to welcome positive ones.
I’ve wanted to change for so long but was never willing to push for that change.
To draw near to the lord is a fight against flesh. My flesh wants nothing to do with him.
Oh but my heart cries out for him, my soul thirsts for his love.
It will be a battle to change but I am willing to put up the fight
I have always resented having a strong willed temperament and regretted being more bold then sweet but now I see that God has placed these things inside of me for a reason.
I was meant to fight for what is right for what is good and holy.
I was meant to push through the walls to break down barriers.
And right now I’m being called to push through my own walls and break through my own barriers
I will keep fighting and pushing my way through until I see Gods face completely, until I see this rejection wound completely mended.
Oh my sweet sweet Jesus, meet me where I’m at, meet me in my brokenness and make me whole.
A beach in the Dominican Republic. pic by Shyanne Thompson
