Holy Crap…19 days until I leave for an entire year and from what I read in blogs it’ll be an entire year of sweaty bodies, dirty fingernails, greasy hair, uncomfortable living arrangements, and broken, molding hearts.
Wooooo I’m nervous.
The last few days I’ve woken up with a weird feeling. It’s almost too hard to explain. It feels like that moment where you know you have to do something but you’re scared to do it because when you do it everything will change…Everything!
I’ve been called to the mission’s field and in the year that I will be away I will not be able to hide anything
The secrets that I hide… will be exposed.
My insecurities are no longer “in” there out for everyone to see and to point out (not because they are mean but because they love me)
If I go forward with this, the old habits that I hate but hold onto in my life will have to be put to a complete stop. Awesome but scary because old habits are sometimes what I run to when things get a little too uncomfortable
There is so much freedom in being broken from old habits, but in that freedom lies pain as well because when god breaks I really feel it. I’m scared of the pain!
The change I’ve wanted and waited for, for so long is finally here…
It’s a decision whether to hang on to what you know or to let go into an unknown territory, Into a place where I cannot predict the outcome. I cannot walk in and have full control of my circumstances, a place where I must rely on the Lord in every situation, in every area of my life, even with my life.
The past I’ve always wanted to leave behind is finally being left behind…if I decide to move forward.
I will struggle this year with many things..and I know this.
I will feel ugly and incompetent
I will feel so uncomfortable in my own skin that the yearning to go and hide will be written all over my face
I will feel an immense heartache for the family I left behind and cannot see
And most likely much more
I know I will feel this way because there are times I feel this way at home. I cover it all up with a shower every day when I feel dirty, makeup and certain men I know I can run to when I’m feeling ugly, food when I feel sad, and a room of my own to hide in when things don’t seem right.
This time I won’t be able to run to a comfort zone.
I will feel all of these things and maybe even all at once but I will not be able to run.
And that’s okay! Because I know this is what has to be done.
I’ve been addicted to my own life, my own sadness, my own mistakes, the very sins that I hate..
So,while I’m on the WorldRace God will be holding me tight while I’m going through withdrawal…The shakes, the trembles, the headache, and heartaches, the sadness it will all be there but My God will be there too whispering freedom the whole time.
My flesh will deprived of everything I’ve ever given it under pressure!
God has called me to the mission’s field and in the last few weeks I’ve realized why he’s called me. It has been for far much more then I had ever realized.
I have skeletons in my closet that need to be cleaned out and burned
I need to be exposed!
I need to be away so I cannot run to my comfort zones
When I feel ugly I will have to run to Jesus instead of a man
When I need love I’ll have to run to Jesus instead of my family and friends
When I feel stupid I’ll have to run to Jesus instead of my GPA
This will be a tough year for me, no doubt!
But it will be one of the most beautiful years of my entire life as well.
It will be a year of change. Oh, sweet, sweet change I look forward to meeting you!
Father, you are good and holy, and I love you. I pray that you fill me with strength for this year because I know it will not be easy. I pray I let you have full reign in my life not just this year but always and that this year I don’t back away when I feel poking and prodding but I let you work, I let you break my heart crack it wide open and replace the garbage and dirt with love, purity and holy habits. Lord, I’m ready to leave the past in the past and to become new, to become the woman that you want me to be, the woman that I am meant to be. My heart is yours for the taking!
Psalms 130:6 I long for the Lord more than sentries long for the dawn, yes, more than sentries long for the dawn.
J SQUAD
IN IT TOGETHAR
