It was two weeks before training camp and I was making out with ( we’re going to call him smith)
kissing someone isn't wrong but in my case it was.
Knowing full well I couldn’t pursue a relationship and that this guy was no good for me and never would be I continued on because I WAS SICK OF THE CHRISTIAN WALK….
I was angry
Confused
Frustrated
Full of doubt
Bored
Lonely
Wrapped up in chains
I couldn’t take it anymore!
This hideously boring, fun sucking, bible thumping, corny life style…and it was all for me.
How sweet.
The Christian walk wasn’t worken for me I had become miserable.
Infuriated at how things had turned out.
Was this it? Was this all that Jesus had promised if so I was being jipped!
I was mad at God because even amongst all my doubt that he had even existed at this point, something inside of me couldn’t totally walk away
I didn’t understand because I was so unhappy trying to live the lifestyle of a “Christian” But then I couldn’t walk away from it. I couldn’t just say no to God and live the rest of my life without him.
I was losing miserably….yea, maybe on the outside I was fine to everyone else…but on the inside the real me was screaming to come out, gnawing at my heart, tearing holes at the very vessels that had kept me alive. I was dying a slow and painful death.
Wasn’t the Christian walk suppose to offer joy and everlasting peace.
I know I had experienced it before so where the heck did it go?
The last few months before Traing camp I despised and resented the christian walk because I was trying so hard to live it and instead I found myself chained up and tied down.
Why couldn’t I overcome certain sins in my life?
Why was I being so overcome with lust and at times enjoying it more than Jesus?
Why was I feeling so trapped in a place where I should have been set free?
it’s funny because as I write this I’m remembering my journal entry a few months back about how maybe I had gotten it wrong.. this whole Christian thing ya know. Maybe I had never known Jesus just had simply brushed the surface..maybe just caught a little glimpse of him here and there….maybe the life I was trying to live was not the Christian walk at all.
That was Jesus whispering truth into my life. Yes, I had gotten it all wrong. But for some reason I had forgotten about that and a few months later had found myself sitting down with
300 other people
in Atlanta Georgia where you sweat more then you breath
at training camp.
I didn’t expect anything to happen at camp. I didn’t expect to feel Jesus let alone hear him. But during my week in Georgia he sought me out and revealed himself to me like there was no tomorrow. (in so many ways dude..in too many ways I can explain rite now)
But stay with me..I know some of you think I’m crazy.When some people hear “Jesus, spoke to me.” You think OMG this kid is frigion psycho. BUT HE DOES in ways I can’t explain it's just one of those things that you just have to experience for yourself to understand. And let me tell you if you’re seeking God out he will come.
OHHHHH MANNNNNN for far too long I have been bound to the law…and not enough swimmen in his grace
yes, take a dive into that grace because it sets you free!
I’ve lived so bound up in my chains that I’ve been dead to what Jesus really wanted me to be.
I was trying to live the Christian walk without Jesus and without Jesus Christianity is just another meaningless religion with a set of rules.
Our real identities lie within his grasp. If we take Jesus out of the equation we lose the real us. And when we allow Jesus to come in and take control he allows our identities, our personalities, our true self’s to shine! He whispers you’re different and that’s how I’ve made you and that right there becomes the very foundations of who you really are.
We all do it differently. We all serve differently. We all talk and walk differently. We all worship in different ways.
There is not one right way to live for Jesus! I don’t have to be something that I’m not to follow him. I can be the same me that secretly laughs at people who tumble down the stairs, the same me that isn’t afraid to joke about sex and to cry at stupid commercials.
I’m sarcastic and most of the time completely and utterly loud! I speak my mind and sometimes get in trouble for it.
I don’t have to act like I’ve got it all together because you know what I’ve got nothing together!Jesus does.
I don’t have to be that girl I grew up in church with who wore the dresses and the white gloves and held all the bible studies and managed to bake all the brownies too.
I can just be me!
I don’t have to be quiet and reserved because I was given a wild heart, a heart yearning for adventure, a heart that beats for dangerous territory. And that’s OKAY!
I walk bare foot and I do my devotions in my driveway. I moon people far too often and I'll grab a whole handful of yours as well.
I swear when I get really mad and I catch feelings for guys that I shouldn’t. I also struggle with many things.
I probably have more skeletons in my closet then slim shady did when he dedicated that song to his mom.
But you know what it’s OKAY!
I don’t have to be PERFECT to love Jesus.
Jesus loves us so much that he takes us the way that we are and he makes us better.
That doesn’t mean that he changes us to be more like someone else. No! He transforms you into the best you that you can be!
And for the first time I'm actually enjoying Jesus and the life that he offers. It's so much more then what the world will ever give!
