I always prided myself in making good decisions, decisions of self-preservation. The foreshadowing of my breakthrough should have came from the realization of “priding myself” in something.
I left home at age 16, not because of a long fast led by the Spirit or by hours spent on my knees praying about whether or not to stay in my unhealthy home. Not even from simply asking God what I should do. I left my mother and my brother simply because it was an unhealthy and destructive lifestyle. I went into self-preservation mode. I’ve always accounted this decision as the best decision I ever made aside from surrendering my life to Christ.
But on a cold, tile floor at the start of a new year in Malaysia my world was shattered. No, shattered is too light of a word; it was obliterated.
As I was lying in my team leader’s lap, I cried to a God that I no longer felt close to. By Him simply asking me to ask for forgiveness from my mother for that decision five years ago, I no longer trusted my Savior.
How could I need forgiveness for a decision that brought so much good into my life?
Moving out brought me to Brad and Kathy, my now second-set of parents. How could He be saying this was something I needed forgiveness for? I was justified in moving out. It was what was best for me.
However, my selfishness hurt my biological family a lot. I caused rifts and I thought only of myself. My orphan heart only searched for my self-preservation.
So I sobbed as I tried to understand how a good God could have wanted me to stay in my family the way it was.
And I became angry when He started to show me that I was not the good person I had always found my identity in.
My heart and flesh had started to take pride in overcoming my family background. Pride in making something of myself. Pride in being a “good” person.
I had always been good. Despite my anger issues.
I was a good student in high school and college. I was a good friend. I wasn’t perfect, but I was at least good. I made “good” decisions.
But now God was telling me I am not good. If I’m not good than what am I worthy of?
And He said, “You’re not worthy of anything. I died so that you would become worthy. You’re not good. The good in your life is from Me, not you.”
My pride shook me.
I knew I was a sinner. But the realization that nothing I have ever done has been good, apart from God, that seemed too much. I wanted credit for the good that came of my decision to leave my family. The truth is that I made that decision out of selfishness and God is the one who made it good, not me.
I wanted the glory for my life. I wanted people to say that I make good decisions; that I deserved some of the glory and praise from my life story. Because it’s my life story, but I’m reminded it’s not my story… It’s God’s story of my life.
So I sat in the heart-knowledge that I sucked. And I would still suck, even if I made “good” decisions, if I did not have Christ as the source of good. Cause it’s not me who does good. It’s God living through me.
And while I still have a million questions for my sovereign Lord…
While I still struggle with wanting to know if He wanted me to move out all those years ago…
I cling to the truth he spoke to me in Guatemala. I’m not in control. Whether I had moved out or stayed with my biological parents five years ago, Braddad and Kathy would still be parents to me now. I have no condemnation or shame for a selfish decision that God brought good from.
I get to rest. I get to rest knowing, with my mind and my heart, that:
I am His daughter and that’s where my identity lies.
I’m not in control; God is always good.
