I've always had a hard time with being joyful. Anxiety and fear of a return of depression have ruled my thoughts. Like Pinocchio, strings dangling from each muscle are controlled by anxiety and the fear of my own emotions betraying me.
I have been through a lot of hard moments in my life. I never felt like I had been controlled or trapped by them. I always look at them as a blessing; I have discovered and have been encountered with the truth of who God is in each memory.
I feel loved and I enjoy my life. I laugh uncontrollably and smile boldly.
But slowly I have begun to believe a lie… A lie that the only way God grows us is through hardships, heartache, and brokenness. While that may be the main way God speaks and teaches us, I'm learning it's not the only way. I believe that God would prefer to teach us through good moments. However, usually we simply need to be taken to a valley for us to be aware God showed up.
This month has been amazing. We have great food. We have a contact who loves us beautifully. We have a beach 10 minutes away. We have a youth ministry who love laughing with us. We stay up late into the night doing the Cha Cha slide and singing oldies at the top of our lungs.
And all I prayed for the first week was to breakdown… like big breakdown. Another breakdown similar to the one my sophomore year of college that completely rocked my view of who Jesus truly was. I always pray for hardships. Because that's how I've always grown. That's how I see others grow.
The women on my team have and are working through hardships and growing. Growing through tears. Growing into the women of God through facing the past. And I wanted that.
I wasn't okay with the pace God was setting for me.
And so I searched and searched for difficulties to grow me. Conjuring up my past to find an area to work on. Turning over every rock for hidden memories of some horrible event. Beating myself up for any little sinful thought or wrong attitude that crept into my mind, and torturing myself into seeing myself only as the sinful child I am.
The little things God was showing me weren't enough. I wasn't okay with him chipping away little by little the parts that were not really "Miranda". I wanted him to take a sledgehammer to my idea of myself. I didn't want to see myself as a blessing to the Father or the people around me. I didn't think I would grow if I thought the Father was proud of me.
But… That's not what God wants for me and he made it clear to me one night. As I laid in bed beating myself up for not having a breakdown and praying for Him to break me, all I heard from Him was, "No. You don't need hardships. You've been through enough for the time being. I just want you to be joyful and present right now. Just keep seeking Me."
And it hit me like a sledgehammer. How could He want me to grow in Him without the hardships? He wants me to stop trying to find areas and let Him do the work. I am simply supposed to live the moment. Let go and let God, as the cheesy saying goes.
Don't get me wrong not everything is perfect all the time and God is doing big things in my heart and my attitude. But it's not a struggle to be happy or feel His overwhelming presence. It doesn't hurt. So I go to Him in thanksgiving.
(To steal something a loved one says) "The truth of the matter is" sometimes we find Him more readily during dark times, when He is the only source of Light. Sometimes we find Him when our lives are filled with blessings, and we shower Him with thankfulness. Either way we grow when we are in His presence.
So I refuse to be like Pinocchio and I'm cutting my strings. I'm going to allow God to move in the times of blessing as much as He does during the times of frustration or confusion. I embrace joy because God will bring troubles when He so sees fit; I don't have to fear or go looking for them.
"So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in Him, rooted and built up in Him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness." {Colossians 2:6-7}
