I'm not going on this mission trip to feel better about myself. I'm going to feel better about God. Not even to feel better. More or less to discover truth. I guess I've convinced myself that I need it in this extreme. It's totally possible to give up self and yearn for Jesus within my current lifestyle. I guess I just need a little more assistance in the sense that ill be forced to adjust to uncomfortableness. I'm not gonna have 'things' over there to make me feel better about myself. I'm not gonna have mirrors to look into. I'm not gonna have alcohol to drink. I'm not gonna have TV to distract myself from reality.
Do not look upon me as pious because I'm going away for 11 months, escaping this American way of life. I'm going…to be stripped. Its something i need. Something that has to happen. (Just today a co-worker pointed out that I say more four letter words than he does yet I'm the 'Jesus-thumper'). On the other hand, it makes me cringe when people call me a good person bc I'm going on the race. Many people don't know the state of my heart. In fact? hardly anyone does. I'm not even going on this trip to 'honor' God with my life. I'd like to say I am. And I want to want that but I'm not. I believe it to be the first step in God showin me what's up. He's forcing me to give up all that I know for all that I don't know.
I'm already afraid of caring what people will think of me. Afraid of people being fake. But I keep telling myself that everyone will bring to the tables their own vices, myself included. My job is to love unconditionally.
There's so much I don't know. I used to think I had so many answers, at least the ones that 'mindy' could attest to. I feel like I had more of this life figured out in high school than I do now. It seems as though all I'm doing is walking blindly through each day trying to figure out the most honorable way to go about making decisions. Somehow I always feel wrong though. And I always hurt someone's feelings. And I'm always selfish.
Struggle between right and wrong.
Struggle between thinking of myself and thinking of others.
Struggle with integrity.
Struggle with what's expected of me vs what I want to do of my own.
Struggle between asking for help and enabling myself to break through.
Struggle between seeking advice and discerning on my own.
Struggle between hearing and active listening.
Struggle between empathizing and just not getting it.
Struggle with carrying my own load vs giving it to God.
Struggle with claiming him vs representing him.
Struggle with really giving it up to God vs saying that I am.
Struggle with loving with my heart vs my hands.
Struggle with being honest vs just being a bitch.
Struggle with walls built up and letting people in.
Struggle with letting go of bitterness and holding the reigns to prevent further hurt.
Struggle with the reality of my situation compared to others'.
I don't have it that bad. And that's why this is even more embarrassing. I wish I had a bigger story and legitimate reason to feel the way I do. But I'm not so sure I do. It's easy to attest that part of me has given up on God and what he can do for me. I believe he blesses regardless of one's condition. If it were based on me, he wouldn't be God. There is however…free will to be surrendered. And I've yet to do so. Hell. I don't know if I ever have.
I know freedom exists…his Word says so.
So to say I'm ready to be stripped is an understatement. You best believe I'm not looking forward to the tears and hurt that will come with exposing myself to my team…and to myself…and even before God. He already knows my heart but there's a difference when I let him see it WITH me. If all that means coming out on the other end different? and changed? and pure of heart?….then BRING IT.
