Recently I was working in a machine shop in Minnesota. It’s something that I do from time to time. I have spent a lot of time in the work place in some rough environments so I know what I’m talking about when I say this. There is a masculinity that is the standard of this world that is completely demented. It’s so prevalent that most don’t know that there is anything else.
This masculinity is a straight up lie. It thrives not on you believing it, but on you believing that other people believe it. It says that men are supposed to be hard. That we don’t have feelings. That we can’t show emotion. It says that we take what we want and we objectify women. That we “don’t take no lip from nobody.” That we must defend our “honor” or save “face”. That we must drink bud light beer. It says that other people expect us to act this way.
Some people that have never been in this environment will find this offensive, and for that I’m sorry, but it’s real world America. The other day I was at work and walking to the other end of the shop. As I passed one of my coworkers he called out “hey Miles, go F@#$ yourself”. Now there are a lot of socially acceptable responses to this, and all of them are much worse. But instead of replying with one I said, “why don’t you just be a nicer person?” And kept walking. He got a pretty shocked look on his face and said ” I am a nice person.”
This is a tame enough story, but it illustrates what I’m saying. My coworker only addressed me that way because that’s what he thought I expected. Like I said, I’ve spent years in this world and much to my shame I’ve learned the false masculinity well. I could have just as easily replied to this guy with something obscene, tearing him down. I have and still do. We learn to be this way to survive. We want to be nice people, but we have trapped ourselves in a lie. We want to be kind and sensitive, and treat a women well, but we think we can’t. We think we aren’t supposed to, so we learn not to.
Behavior is something that is learned. And most of us behave like we do, based on what we think is expected of us by others. I’ve been watching my one year old nephew grow up the last few months, and it blows my mind at how much of a clean slate he is. Let’s all do him a favor and teach him with our own lives what manhood could and should look like.
I’m writing this to bring light to the darkness. I’m writing this for what I want to become. I’m writing this as a man with a blue collar that doesn’t believe the lie, and I don’t believe that you believe it.
