When I first got to training camp, all the leadership were asking this question “are you in the river?”
Honestly, it annoyed me so badly. It was Christian lingo for “have you spent time with Jesus?” The last thing I needed was someone watching over my shoulder making sure I had read my 30 minutes of bible that day.
That phrase, however, has been one of the most transformative things in my life, and I want to share with you what it means to me now.
In Albania, after a particularly difficult bout with lust, I decided to do a sleep fast and sat on the roof all night to “show Jesus I was serious about not sinning”. That night, ironically, consisted of two or three angry rants at God and an inappropriate conversation with someone I knew many years ago. So much for “showing God that I meant business”…..but it was a start.
God has shown me how much my understanding needed to be changed. How I understood Him, and how I understood my sin.
In India, I received a picture from the Holy Spirit. I saw myself standing on the bottom of a rushing river. It was as if I had weights strapped to my feet that kept me firmly planted on the bottom as the water flowed through and around me.
Are you in the River? I had understood that as walking to the river, stepping into it, spent my allotted time with God, then walked out and resumed my daily life. This picture was very different, and transformed my view of God and my sin.
As I meditated on that image and asked God to give me clarity, I saw myself becoming part of the River and flowing with it. Periodically, I would reach down and grab ahold of the rocks and mud along the bottom and wrap myself in them. I would be buffeted around amongst the rocks until I decided to let go and rejoin the rushing river.
There was no “leaving the river”. He is in me and I am in Him. Period. There’s no leaving Him or Him leaving me.
Me reaching down and grabbing ahold of the muck and mire was my sin. Sin didn’t have ahold of me, I chose it. It had no power over me, and it didn’t take me out of the river….but it did slow me down.
My tumbling around through the rocks and mud was my struggle in life. I cannot enjoy the flowing of the river when I’m holding onto the rocks and mud, but it is my choice to let go.
When I do choose to let go, I am drawn back into the mighty current and I am able to flow like I’m supposed to and carve mighty swaths through solid rock and shape the Earth with His flow.
I used to think of my sin as something crippling me, separating me from God. Although I didn’t understand this about myself, my actions showed that I believed my sin to be so powerful that God was not able to use me in spite of it or love and forgive me through it.
When I began to see my sin in this new perspective, my relationship with God changed.
I now see God as a father, a mentor, and a coach. I see God as this business tycoon that has laid out His plans for the world on the table and said “son, I’ve got big plans, and I want to use you to accomplish them.”
My sin is no longer this crippling thing of shame and guilt, but rather me choosing to joyride in a Honda Civic when my Father has said “I need you over here, take my private jet”.
Like a child who doesn’t understand why his parents won’t let him eat 5 pounds of candy, or the athlete that doesn’t understand why he has to run the extra mile, I so often choose the easy route and embrace the rocks and muck.
But God has big plans to use each and every one of us to our fullest potential, and that means choosing to put down our Honda Civic and our porn and our careers and whatever….and know that His private jet, His relationships, and His plans are much better and more worth it…..even if we can’t see it yet.
I’m in the river guys, wanna swim?
