Clouds obscured the Indian moon from view as I walked down the single lane dirt road between the single room cinder block houses. The heavy darkness and occassional scream from a monkey didn’t help the uneasy feeling I had in my stomach that began with a nightmare the previous night.
I’ve never had such an irrational fear in my life, but I couldn’t shake the image of the demon possessed Indian lady from my dream and I felt it was prophetic somehow.
My teammate and I had the same feeling and I kept feeling the need to look over my shoulder despite the fact I’d already prayed about it. As the worship music began and the little group of villagers began to sing, that feeling began to dissipate as I felt like the light was piercing the darkness.
This month’s ministry has been unique. Not being allowed outside of our ministry hosts house because of the possibility of being spotted and questioned by the police has been difficult. (Going to church is not illegal, but sharing your faith results in incarceration and we’ve had 3 run-ins already)
As part of our program, we have been traveling to remote villages every night to do a worship service and share some of the word or the gospel. Traveling an hour or two every night to share the word and pray before the two hour drive back has given me much time to think.
Over the last couple months, I’ve felt more and more like our work was useless. Not the kind of useless that requires quitting, but the kind that requires me to reanalyze and ask
“Why am I even doing this?”
Over the last couple months, many of the things I’ve believed in the past are not lining up with what I’m experiencing. Things like the Romans Road and other formulaic religious doctrine I’ve learned over the years are not only not lining up with my understanding of the Bible or Gods nature, but are actually detrimental to the advancement of the kingdom.
I’d always believed that a person prior to accepting Christ was a sinner. That their sin would drive them to hell and that unless they “confessed with their mouth the Lord and believed in their heart that God raised Him from the dead” they would be eternally doomed.
As I met people who had never even heard the name of Jesus, encountered unsaved people who had more grace and fruits of the spirit than I did, heard stories of unreached people groups who already knew the gospel, and read stories of Muslims coming to Christ through visions, Ive had to re examine my beliefs.
I’ve come to realize I’ve had an entirely wrong view of missions. I left thinking I had to get a certain amount of people to say the “sinners prayer”, and those people would be saved from hell’s fire. Person number 23, check. On to person number 24. Throw in some discipleship in there and they’re good.
What God has been showing me about himself is that He is so much bigger than my “sinner’s prayer” and is in fact, the judger of hearts who justified Abraham for simply “believing God” and saves me by just my belief that He has. God has no formula, no box, no predictability…..who am I to put salvation in a box even if it has a bow on top?
“Missionary” isn’t a title or even a job description, but rather a lifestyle. The more I understand His love and who I am in relation to who He is, the more life I have (possessive and requirement) to give away to others
Being a missionary isn’t about getting people to “pray the sinners prayer” and mark another tally mark on the “not going to hell” board but rather living the life that God intends you to live. A life of abundant life, freedom, joy, love, peace, and all the rest. A life that stands in such stark contrast to the status quo, that even fellow believers ask what you have.
Regardless of what I do after the remaining 3 months; whether I come home and pursue my passions while living a life full of the blessings he has intended for me, or I just skip that flight to the states and decide to live overseas for a few years, I know that God has a plan so much bigger than I can comprehend and I wanna be a part of it. No matter what I do or where I go, I will always be a missionary.
