On a short 3-hour bus ride the lord managed to completely shake up the ground beneath my feet. Everything I thought I believed (or more correctly, didn’t believe) was turned upside down. He reviled to me my true testimony. Not the fake, nice and neat one I like to share to friends and family so that it looks like I have my life together. But he showed me the true, messy, nitty gritty one that I have been hiding for almost my entire life. It hit me hard, tears in my eyes and all…but he didn’t stop there. He said “Now that I have shown you your truth, go and share your truth with the world”.
I have never been a strong Christian. To be honest I never really knew what it meant to be one. I went to church, I sang the songs, I participated in youth group, and I put a smile on my face. But the reality is I really didn’t know what I believed in, nor did my life reflect it. Even up to the first month of this race I found myself doubting what I believed. Sometimes id find myself sitting in a session listing to the speaker and thinking “soul-care? Hearing the voice of Jesus? Intercessory prayer? is that even real…sounds kind of made up”. My mind would tell me every reason why it wasn’t true, or why it sounds kind of loony. We would go out for ministry, and ask the lord where he wants us to go. People would get visions, words, phrases, or names of people given to them from him and I would stand there blankly because no matter how hard I prayed I never heard a thing. Sometimes I found myself making up a word in order to look like I heard his voice. I was ashamed to admit to strangers that I was a follower of Jesus. It was easier for me to say that I was backpacking, or doing humanitarian work(which were both the truth, but not the whole truth) than it was for me to say I was a missionary…when others would tell people who we were, I sometimes would cringe because I was not fully confident in what I believed.
When we were asked what our biggest desire to get out of this year is, a lot of people wanted to experience a miracle, or witness a healing. And although those are all awesome things it never came to mind for me. What came to my mind was find out who I am, and who the lord truly created me to be. I had no idea who I was, and no idea how the lord saw me. I have carried weight on my shoulders for many years and eventually that weight and the lies that came with them morphed into who I thought I was.
Guilt is conviction from the lord. Knowing what you did was bad, but knowing it doesn’t make you bad. Shame is knowing what you did was bad, and believing that YOU are bad because of it.
For 3 years, I have lived in sexual sin, I was ashamed of who I was because I was no longer pure. And believed that I was not capable of finding a godly love because of it, I found my value in what others thought. My hobbies became what other people liked. I found myself trying to please everyone, trying to change who I was and what I liked in order to fit them. I started to idolize those I look up too, thinking that since their life worked for them and god had blessed them, then obviously, I need to live my life exactly the way they lived there’s. I started to try and fit my circle into there square. I believed that if someone else was good at something then I obviously I wasn’t good at it because it was a gift that they had. I got jealous easily, and was constantly comparing myself to others. I never forgave myself for my mistakes, and found myself hating who I was even more every time I would mess up or do something wrong. A fear of rejection started to grow. A fear of not being accepted, being “too much”, or “not enough”. I watched as my big and bold and loud and fun personality slowly crawled into a shell and became so small. I became bitter, angry and resentful.
But the lord said enough is enough. As I sat in that van, watching as the sun came up over the mountains and trees of Thailand, I found myself looking at my tattoo. Beautifully intricate, bold and colorful, big, and unique. He said don’t you see? I was the one who gave you your passion for art. I gave you your love for self expression. I gave you your gift for photography and just the same I was the one who gave you this image that night during worship. I told you “unique masterpiece”. I gave you an image that is yours alone. No one else has it, It’s the replica of your own art. I chose it to be big, and I chose for it to be bold. I chose you to have a big personality, strong opinion, and a fiery passion. You are my unique masterpiece. You can’t love me unless you love yourself first. You have spent your entire life hiding. Being ashamed, and trying to be everyone else’s version of perfect, except for mine. I have talked to you, but you didn’t listen. Open your closet, and see that I have placed only the finest of white dresses in there. You are my bride. Run to me and I will show you who I created you to be. Be confident for I have hand crafted you. Let me in so I may chip away everything that is dirty, everything that is black, and leave you shinning white.
I realized that god does not call those who are perfect into his kingdom, but instead he calls the broken, weary and tired. He’s waiting for me to run to him, arms wide. Fall in love with him and say yes at the alter. Because of him I am free. No longer bound by fear but overflowing with courage. Im not ashamed of who I was or who I’m becoming. He truly is alive and well. All good things go to his glory and his alone. He will lift any pain and sorrow off our weak shoulders and crush them with his bare hands. I am nothing without his strength, forgiveness and love. I can’t tell you where he will take me in life, or what my future looks like. But I rejoice in the unknown. Some days are hard, and the shadows still follow me but now as I walk through the darkness I am guided to the light at the end of the tunnel and comforted by his mighty right hand.
