I know that this blog is a long time in the making, and for that I am sorry. It has taken me awhile to process through transition. To be honest with you, I am pretty sure I am still transitioning some.
I guess I will fill you in on what coming home from the Race has looked like for me.
On July 25th 2015, our plane landed in L.A. and for the first time in 319 days, my feet touched American soil. And I was ready. Don’t get me wrong, I loved the time I had in Asia, but I was tired and I missed my family and Stateside friends. The first month of being home was a breeze. Everything was new and exciting. My relationships were no longer on a screen. There was so much good coffee. American food on every corner!! All the English, and none of the language barriers. Beds and hot showers for days.
And to be honest, I didn’t feel that sad to be home. Transition for me did not include crying all the days long. And because of that, I began to gain a false sense of “transitioning well”. I began to think I was killing it at transitioning back to America. I began to be confused why other people were struggling so much coming back home and I was not.
At the end of my first month home, I moved back to Chattanooga, TN. The place where I graduated from college, came to know the Lord, and in general “grew up”. My heart was in Chattanooga. And from the moment mid-Race, when I felt the Lord call me to a season of being in the States, I began to get really excited to be back in Chattanooga again. So I moved back. And it was so exciting to be back in the city that my heart loved so and to be near the church that I would call my church home.
And after being in Chattanooga for about two weeks, my heart began to hurt. Not metaphorically. Literally. I began to experience severe chest pains and my heart rate would shoot up into the ungodly numbers. And after several boughts like this, I landed myself in the hospital. The next couple of weeks of my life would be filled with hospital stays, caffeine withdrawals, a small heart surgery, and a lot of recovery time. Turns out I had a rare congenital heart condition that had recently began to cause problems, but after a fairly routine procedure, it is now completely gone.
During my time in the hospital, a question began to run through my head, “Am I supposed to be in Chattanooga?” and I was very quick to shut it down. Obviously, I was supposed to be in Chattanooga. The Lord spoke that to me on the Race. I love Chattanooga. Where else would I want to be?
During my recovery time, I found out, actually all in the same day, that I lost my job and my house in Chattanooga.
And then, I began to take that question much more seriously. I started praying and seeking wisdom from those who are much smarter than me, and it didn’t take long for me to realize that Chattanooga had been MY plan all along. The Lord never ordained me for it. I wasn’t called to it. I made an executive decision for Chattanooga, as soon as I heard the Lord say that I would be in America for a season.
So I began to apply to jobs outside of Chattanooga, and the very next day got a job interview in Knoxville, which quickly became a job offer. Shortly after, things panned out with potential housing in Knoxville. And in about the span of a two weeks, my life looked completely different. I now am a resident of Knox County. I am employed at the Boys and Girls Club of the Tennessee Valley. And I have two great roommates and a cute little apartment.
And I would love to say that throughout all of this, I just completely trusted the Lord and our relationship was excellent. But that would be a lie.
Since coming home from the Race, I worked myself into a spiraling mess of questions and doubt and fear. I was pissed at God. And, to be honest, I didn’t want much to do with Him. I forgot relationship with Him. I became reliant on going to church and prayers from other believers to reach God. I forgot the access that I had as a daughter. I began falling into old sin patterns. Living in a constant state of what God isn’t and what He didn’t do for me or for other people. I reached out to others for prayer and to the church, not to restore my relationship with the Father, but for the chance that He might speak to me through them and explain Himself for all the crimes I had built up against Him. I questioned “Why this and why that and where are You and where are You really?”
And within the last two weeks, the Lord has graciously began to draw my heart back to His. Though I have mocked Him, His people, and His church, He never stopped loving me. I lost my identity and my identity had become what I am going through instead of what He went through. My hope had become deferred because I didn’t see breakthrough when I needed it to come through and all the sudden I found myself in this place, “ Where are You, God?” .So instead of a daughter of the King, I’d become a person who was hurt that was looking for prayer but had forgotten relationship. I had become needs driven instead of compelled by love. I had become so needs driven that I had stepped out of the love relationship that I had with my Papa. My identity is established in the love of God. Not what He didn’t do for me or what I didn’t see. And sometimes I am so hope deferred that I just need an answer.
It’s about intimacy. It’s about relationship. It’s about the love of God. It’s about intimacy and relationship with the Father. If I don’t rediscover intimacy, than what I am going through will always be my identity. And then I will wonder where God is and if I wonder where God is during then one bad thing, then just a couple more things, and then I began to wonder, “where is God, really?”. And then I get back to where I was about two weeks ago. And I forget that there is a thief who comes to kill, steal, and destroy. and he has nothing to do with God. God didn’t leave me. because He says He will never leave me or forsake me, yet I kept going through all this stuff and I watch other people go through stuff and my question was always,”Why, God?”
Heaven is waiting for my response to know who I am as a daughter in every situation. God’s not scared or worried. He loves me. It was not okay for me to be frustrated like this. I am supposed to be free. But I had separated myself from my freedom, from receiving the love of God. It’s about about the love of God, and when I am going through something and I don’t see breakthrough, I wonder, “Where is His love now?” His love didn’t stop.
I was limiting God by what I hadn’t seen happen.
He loves me profusely. His gaze is always on me. He never looks away. He is always looking right at me. He is not mad. He is not sad. He is not upset. He is not going to lose the Throne because of what I have done. He is not in fear at all. And He wants me to see Him. And if I see Him, He is in me, and if I see Him and He is in me, then it is impossible for my heart to be deferred. It is impossible for my heart to be sick. Unless I let what I am going through determine my identity. I need to let what Jesus went through give me brand new life. I want to walk in love. I want to be known as a woman who walks in love.
God is amazing and He loves me.And its important that I establish the intimacy that He paid the price for. God was concerned for me, not frustrated, but concerned, because I had stepped out of intimacy, because I am His kid and I didn’t know Him. I have the privilege to know God. And I was totally giving it up. I had to stop allowing what I didn’t see to influence what I should see.
By not seeking a deeper relationship with God, I was living in sin.
I needed to remember who I am.
He loves me. He’s never going to say no. He’s already said yes. He’s not going to change His mind about me. He is madly in love with me. That’s like real intimate. I don’t know God that way. Because I am needs driven. I am like “Why won’t You?” Why haven’t You? “God, where are You?” “I need a job, I need this, I need that” “What’s going on?” “where are You?” AND GOD HAS NEVER TOLD ME TO SEEK STUFF. EVER. HE TOLD ME TO SEEK HIM.
“They honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me”
And the reason that my heart was far from Him, was because my hope was deferred. Which had made my heart sick.
So I was worshipping Him, and I was hoping to get a goosebumps feeling or something amazing, that I would feel something , THAT I WOULD FEEL GOD INSTEAD OF KNOWING HIM.
And I was in deception. And I was being destroyed.
God wants a relationship with His kid. He paid a severe price for me.
If the value of something is always determined by the price that it’s paid. And Heaven paid such a high price to get me back, then what makes me think that I am worthless?? I have freedom in Christ. I am free from all my questions, and my doubts, I am free from me.
Nothing about coming back to that States has looked like I thought it would, but the Lord is faithful. And He has provided. Though being in a new city is scary, and lonely at times, and maybe not always exactly where I want to be, the Lord is faithful and I refuse to stop giving Him the praise that is already His. Transitioning from one continent to another is hard. Transitioning into another season of life is scary. And I didn’t handle it as gracefully as I could have, but the Lord is faithful STILL.
Thank you all for being a part of my journey the last year and a half. It has been an amazing experience that I will never forget. The Lord showed up in countless ways throughout the year and so many people’s lives were touched, including mine, and you played a big part in making that happen. So THANK YOU. Thanks for your encouragement, your support, and for faithfully trusting the Lord. I love you all.
