I love culture- African, Asian, Spanish, European, Caribbean, etc. There is something special about rich traditions that bring a group of people together. So, when I was invited to a traditional event here in Zambia, I got excited! I got an opportunity to experience an old tradition involving marriage and the worth of women.
Jinnae, Rita and I were invited to and attended a “Kitchen Party”. It was (almost) comparable to an American bridal shower but on a larger scale. There were over 200 women present in the venue space and the gifts she had were for her future kitchen, where she’d be serving her husband most. There was everything you could ask for there, a stainless steel stove, fridge, microwave oven, water purifier fountain, pots, pans, plates, bowls, silverware, counter tops… everything down to the kitchen window coverings! The party wouldn’t have been complete without lots of African drums playing, traditional tribal dancing, food, laughter and all around fun. We had a great time. However, I noticed the bride wasn’t smiling or laughing. In fact, she didn’t look happy at all. It puzzled me and even after asking our host mother (who invited us) why that was, I didn’t understand. But I was determined to find out.
That Sunday after church, some young girls volunteered to wash our clothes in the back of our home. I wanted to learn how to be skillful at hand and stone washing so I asked them to teach me. As they taught me how to wash, they also taught me how to say different words in their native tongue and talked about Zambian culture in general. I knew it was a prime opportunity to ask them about the whole Kitchen Party/unhappy looking bride thing. This is what my friends Maria, Agnes and Mulanga told me:
“A kitchen party is what a woman must have before she is married in order to be respected in the community. Let me tell you from the beginning. When a man is interested in a woman, they can talk on the phone and even go out in the daytime but they cannot do much more than that. If the man likes her and wants to court her seriously, he has to send his elders to her father to negotiate a bride price. The bride price depends on how good the woman is, what she does for a living, and how respected she is in the community. Once they agree on a price, the man can seriously court the woman and take her on dates for as long as they want and the parents cannot complain as they are basically engaged. Once they are officially engaged, the woman has to meet with a committee who consist of her loved ones and she must tell them what she desires to have at her “kitchen party”. From here, her committee makes her requests known to the future husbands family and they purchase all of the large kitchen items while the woman’s family and friends purchase the rest. The future husband also has to financially provide for the entire wedding- wedding dress, ceremony, etc. The man has to be able to provide for and protect his future bride… or they cannot get married. At the kitchen party, they do different dances to teach the woman how she is supposed to treat and serve her husband. She also has elders teach her how to use all of the items in the kitchen and how to be a good wife. During the kitchen party, she is not supposed to smile or laugh until she sees her husband. She is only supposed to have eyes for him only. That is why she cannot smile.”
Now, while I have a lot to say about this whole bride purchase/respected woman tradition, overall, it brings the community some good. The women here strive to be women of honor, walk around with pride and carry themselves with grace ad confidence. We as Americans don’t have traditions like this one but it seriously got me thinking about worth.
No matter what country we as women (or men) are in, we must remember we were ALL bought with a price; and that price is not based on what we do or how respected we are in our communities. We were bought with a price when Jesus shed his blood for us. The value of our worth was settled on the cross.
How often do we feel worthless because of past situations or circumstances? How often do we shun people from society when we have children out of wedlock, have had abortions, have been (or stayed in) abusive relationships, get diagnosed with HIV, have gone to prison, etc.? I’m not saying these things should be glorified, but there is grace and redemption for all of that. We all need to act our wage and walk in freedom as princesses (and princes) of the King of Kings. We should never let anyone treat us any different or accept anything less.
When you start feeling worthless because your significant other makes you feel that way, because you didn’t get the best grade on that final or didn’t get in that university, because you didn’t get a good report from the doctor, because your friends don’t talk to you anymore after you’d made a mistake, or because money isn’t coming in like it used to, keep your head up and walk with purpose.
Know your worth.
Always remember there is a man who loves you like no one living on this earth ever could. That man is Jesus and He paid it ALL. Every cent. You are not worthless. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that (even yourself).
XOXO,
Belle
