Ever have one of those days?
You know, where things seem to go wrong one after the other?
If you haven’t already guessed it, I had one of those days this last week.
(Before I go any further, I should forewarn you that while this blog is completely honest about life on the race, it might also seem like one long complaint. So I ask you to please be patient and bear with me)
Let’s rewind to Friday, where it all started with the hot water…
In our part of town the electricity goes off during the day most days of the week. If one wants to have coffee in the morning, there are extra steps they must take to access and boil water for coffee.
I’m not a frequent coffee drinker to begin with, but on this particular morning I happened to be in the mood for some. In fact, I was looking forward to that coffee.
After discovering the electricity was indeed off, as well as all that was needed to get a pot a water going, I surrendered to the thought of having that warm cup of joe. No biggie.
My wonderful teammate Candice, however, decided to prefer me by going out of her way to boil water for me.
After the water came to a boil, I was unfortunately the last to approach the pot, only to find it with a few drops left.
Bah hum bug. Okay, I guess I won’t have coffee today. I will survive. I’ve gone probably 60% of my days on the race without coffee. What’s another day?
But then, other things started to add up, like…
…the constant reminder that physical alone time on the race isn’t always accessible. At this point in the morning, all I wanted was to be alone, and I couldn’t find the space for that. Whether it was my teammates or the family we’re living with, people were everywhere I went.
…that lack of being able to run as often as I wish. I absolutely love to run, and next to dancing, it’s my favorite form of exercise/stress relieving activity. In order to run on the race I must have someone with me, given we’re never permitted to go anywhere alone. Of course, some of my teammates have graciously gone with me on different occasions, even when they didn’t want to. After going a few days without being able to run, though, and then realizing that I would have to go yet another day without it (due to our busy schedule), that only added to the fire that morning.
…and more than anything else it was the realization that I desperately needed alone time with Jesus, after having gone a few days without it. I could tell patience and love for others wasn’t coming easily; I needed to be filled with His love so that I could love others. Finding this block of alone time with Him didn’t look like it would occur until late at night…and I didn’t want to wait that long.
Add all these things together, and I give you my first meltdown on the race!
After we came together with our contacts for morning prayer, I decided it would be best to step out and find some alone time. I found a small stool in the backyard, sat down with my head in my hands, and cried. For the first time on the race I wanted to go home.
All I could think about was how easy it would be to go back to “normal” life. Suddenly I started to dwell on comforts I left behind.
Things like:
Doing things on my time.
Running whenever and wherever I want.
Having clean clothes and a shower at anytime.
Buying food without being convicted/expected to share it with everyone
Knowing exactly what food it is I’m eating…and knowing it was prepared in sanitary conditions
And my family…oh, how I miss them.
After dwelling on all these things that made it seem like quitting would be the easier option, I finally told God (in a very stubborn and childish way I might add):
If all of these things are happening in order for You to have more of me, then fine – take them.
Take my time.
Take my desire to run.
Take my food preference.
Take it all.
Because all efforts of holding onto those things are futile and selfish.
I was at the end of my rope that day. I didn’t want to do ministry, and I didn’t want to be around anyone. It was a miracle the Lord was able to still use me. He even managed to encourage me and lift my spirits at various times throughout the day. Way to go, God.
I write about this day in order to give you a glimpse into the life of a racer on one of their not so good days. (And that’s a glorious albeit painful thing about living with five other people 24/7 – they get to see me at my worst on those off days – yay)
I absolutely love to get to do this, and I consider it a complete privilege to be on the race. That’s not to say that it doesn’t come with its challenges though. And although I don’t realize it in moments like this one, I’m discovering more and more how redeeming these challenges and difficult days can be. They always manage to point me towards the Lord.
So I honestly don’t know how to close this entry, given there wasn’t much closure or resolution to that day. As you can see I am still on the race, and I don’t intend on leaving any time soon (Lord willing!). Just know that life on the race is similar to life at home, in that there are good days and bad days. And I praise the Lord that it’s the good ones that outweigh the bad ones by far.
