Writing this blog makes me a bit nervous because here goes another layer off and here’s the real, open and vulnerable Michelle.
So I started dancing when I was 9 years old. I saw my sister’s dance and drill team when she was a junior in high school and I wanted to be exactly like them. To me, they were flawless, graceful, amazing and just beautiful. Perfect. Everything that I wanted to be… and they got to wear cowboy hat and boots and fringe!
I loved dancing. I loved performing. I became the best dancer that I could be. For some reason, God blessed me with a gift of flexibility and an ability to retain what I learned and somewhat of grace while I danced. I danced from 9 years old to middle school then became a cheerleader and then in high school was on the dance and drill team. I was even able to manage being a lieutenant for the dance team… hahha but we all know that’s a different, painful long story. I also began a love for theatre. I loved being in musicals as well. I flat out just loved performing.
Dancing in my life came in the same time as eating disorders and obsession with trying to be perfect came in. I danced for myself. I took pride in my performance. I enjoyed the attention. I wanted to be better than anyone else. Dancing was also another way for me to hide. If they were entertained, they wouldn’t be focused on how fat and disgusting I thought I was. Dancing was an opportunity for me to hide again. I could be someone else. I could hide behind the facials, smiles and fancy costumes. And I did. I hid behind what I thought I did so well. I performed on and off stage.
I stopped dancing after high school. One, because my arthritis in my knees started kicking in. Two, I was too scared to try out for anything in college or to go for it. Three, I hid more in my weight and addiction to food so my body wouldn’t really allow me. Dancing reminds me all the more of my insecurities and my past life.
Kyla, my first squad leader for the first 3 months of the race is an amazing woman of God who has always encouraged me to chase after God. She is a dancer and from training camp through the Philippines, I saw her dance before the Lord and for him. Each time she did, she did so with reckless abandon. I began to pray to have that kind of intimacy with the Lord and to have the ability to dance like that.
I was scared. I was trying to rid myself of my past and dancing was the last thing that I wanted to do again but in that obedience, I felt a more deep and intimate love with my God. This time it was diffe
rent because I was dancing before him and for him alone. I didn’t care what others thought. I didn’t care that what I might be doing was a mess. I wanted to praise and worship him in a way I was not used to.
God revealed to me that he desires me to dance for him and that I can actually praise and worship him through dance. This year has been a year of letting go of myself and stepping into the woman he desires me to be. I have been able to let go and rid myself of me and just walk into what I’m destined for.
I danced in Cambodia where my team could see. I danced during a praise and worship session with the squad during debrief… and lo and behold…
I will be dancing at the Awakening Art Show… agh!!!
Every time I have danced this year it has been just randomly. For the Awakening, I choreographed a dance to Bethany Dillon’s “Beautiful.” To me, this is another layer off and letting people in on something that has become so intimate and personal. Not to mention, that song is my testimony.
Daily, I ask God to give me the unexpected and to make me scared so I can fully depend on him and his goodness. For one of the first times, this year I am scared. I am scared to be that vulnerable but I know that is what God is calling me to do. My aim is to please him and be obedient to what he is calling me to do. Obedience brings more freedom…
God didn’t create us to crumble down in the face of fear or run away… When we put on the Armor of God, we are protected everywhere but our backs and that is because we are supposed to run straight into what scares us and not away. We are strong, fearless, bold and courageous children of the Lord. We should be living that way daily.
