Here is an honest account of what life is for me now. It’s not all roses and peaches. It’s not all beautiful every single moment. Overall-it’s beautiful but sometimes I think it’s the imperfections that make something as beautiful as it is. It’s hard and I hope in me being honest that I don’t offend anyone. One thing they emphasize this year is community and being real, open, honest and vulnerable.
I knew coming into this month it was going to be a bit harder because it was going to be 5 weeks of ministry. One week more than the typical but sometimes a week can feel like months, but then some days a week can feel like a day.
I came into Tanzania and I was physically sick. I had fevers, body aches, earaches…I never get sick and I felt like death for a week or so.
Ministry is spiritually draining. Ministry consists of doing door-to-door evangelism in the mornings and open-air market preaching at night time. Open-air consists of preaching in the middle of a market with people around listening. There is also children’s school on Saturdays and then at least 7 different services to preach at on Sundays.
At the beginning of the month, I asked God to show me how to unconditionally love like him. What a hard lesson that I didn’t even realize the worth of what I was praying for.
As a team leader, my job is to love and encourage my team. Sounds easy and it usually is but in these past weeks- it has been one of the hardest things ever. It’s hard to love and encourage the team when I feel like I have loved as much as I can. It’s hard to love and encourage when I am not feeling loved and encouraged but by one person on the team. I can only pour out so much before running on empty.
Recently, my team has had problems in regard to preferring each other and really encouraging each other to greatness. I hate that I make myself carry the burden of all of the problems of the group on me. I hate when people don’t get along. Yes, I can help just a bit but I can’t force people to love each other. I can’t force people to solve their problems. I can’t force people to love me the way that I feel that I need. I felt helpless. I didn’t know what else to do. I let the stress of everyone and everything get to me.
Notice that there is a lot of “I” trying to do things. I’m learning that I need to depend more on the Lord for guidance and strength. The reason why I am burned out is because I’ve been loving on my own strength and I just can’t do it anymore. The more that I love him the easier it will be to love others.
Team Ridiculous has overcome a lot in this past week. It’s great to see them start to really love each other and for more vulnerability to come out.
In this time of need of different things, I re-evaluated my life and realized that what I felt the team was doing to me was what I have been doing with the Lord. It helped me have a newfound love and appreciation for my team. It also humbled me and made me stand in awe of how much God is so incredible and how undeserving I am.
God loves me even when I am not chasing after him. God loves me even when I am being selfish and think my ways are best. God loves me when I choose everything but him. God loves with all his heart and sacrificed his own son.
What have I had to give up? Not much. Unconditional love….That is how I need to love others…with all my heart and all my soul. I was not loving my team and others nearly as much as I should have.
In this time, I have also learned that yes I feel loved when I hear words of affirmation but ultimately I need to be digging into the Lord for that and not looking to people around me. I am also learning a lesson in pride. It’s been hard for me to ask for help this month or to be real with my emotions and not put on “a happy face” because I think that’s what everyone wants.
God tells me who I am daily…I just need to be digging into him more and seeking who he says I am.
This month thus far has been hard. I’ve missed people more than ever. I’ve missed home. I’ve missed the comforts of America, but I know that God has me here for a purpose and my mission here is not done.
