I’m scared to write this because I know that I can’t always hide behind humor and behind my layers…and I no longer will. At camp I learned to give that all away so I can let people in. So for those that know me well and those who are just getting to know me.. Here’s another layer off… rather ….here’s me: raw and unpeeled.
Sunday at lunch my grandma saw me carrying a bottle of water and in Tagalog said, “She’s fat because she drinks too much water.” Then proceeded to say it several more time during the lunch.
I know that doesn’t make any sense but it still hurt. My eyes fought back the tears. As I write this the tears are endless because I’m reminded of my past and how “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” was a complete lie.
“You don’t look good, you need to lose weight, iwan mo en kosina (you were left in the kitchen) you’d be pretty if you lost weight, you need to be pretty and skinny. you’re not good enough.
I heard those things from other Filipinos and my family almost on a daily basis. Things like that left more of an impression than the good things so I believed it. Kids at school thought I was beautiful because I had this ridiculous sense of “confidence” I portrayed; yet I was really scared and alone.
Don’t get me wrong I come from a very loving, amazing and supportive family that I love so much (it was different then) but those words left me with such deep wounds that caused me to be bonded by the chains of shame, guilt, unworthiness, vanity and with an obsession of trying to be perfect .
I was bulimic for 3 years and struggled with it the next couple of years… and more recently these past several months. I hated myself. I was my own worst enemy. I never loved myself until training camp where I was in the middle of the woods, smelly from not showering, messy hair, wearing all the clothes I packed to keep warm, surrounded by the incredible men and women that I am blessed to call my brothers and sisters for the upcoming year. It was there that I was able to show an unknown but real version of myself.
At camp, I was able to let go of it all…the chains were broken …I AM FREE!!!!! The comment my grandma said to me made me doubt myself for a quick second. I remember thinking, “God, I was actually really starting to believe that I was beautiful, that I was perfect just the way I am.”
God loudly said, “and you are. You know that.” so I cry because yes it might sting a little but lies like that no longer have hold of me. The girl who was scared and would believe those lies is no longer here.
*cue to boldly sing Gloria Gaynor’s, ” I Will Survive.”
“Go out and go. Walk out the door. Just turn around now.. Because you’re not welcome anymore….”
I am a Woman of Christ.
One of my things at camp I wrote in my journal was , “I’m leaving behind the woman I thought I have always wanted to be, to become the woman God intended me to be… which is someone I never had the guts to be.”
My God loves me. My God adores me. I AM beautiful, strong, fierce and confident because of HIM. My confidence is no longer other people’s expectations and a false sense of myself.
The first time I heard Orianthi’s “According to You,” the chorus spoke to my heart and I felt it was a whisper of love from my King.
“According to him, I am beautiful, incredible and he can‘t get me out of his head, according to him I am funny, irrestible and everything he has ever wanted.”
And that is the TRUTH.
