As I write this blog, my head is not in a good space. We have left Cambodia, which was one of my more challenging months. We have just arrived in Thailand, which I anticipate will also be a challenging month. Every racer gets to this point where we are just done and tired of race life, tired of pressing in, tired of trying all the time.
Well, that is where I am at.
Cambodia was not hard in the way you might expect. Yes, it was HOT, there were bugs, I sweat ALL day, or anytime I was outside, we had very confined sleeping quarters. There was also so much to be grateful for.
The first half of the month we stayed at Overflow Guest House just outside Siem Reap. As I walked past the lush foliage to the foyer I looked to the right and saw a pool! I am Jesus’s favorite! A POOL! YES!!! Just that brought some serious gratefulness. Then we discovered we had beds, wifi and air con. All awesome!
The second half of the month we moved to Eli School to help teach English and paint. This is where it got real. We had a small bunk room for the 8 of us gals, because this month our men had the chance to be on a team together. That left the rest of us women on a team together.
Our days felt so packed when we were at Eli School, and it felt like we barely had down time. I began to seriously struggle with everything. Not to be dramatic, but for real, it was so many things. The day we arrived at the school should have been a rest day, but a mere hour later, we were outside in the 96 degree heat laying stones for a driveway.
I could hop on board with that, we just arrived, so we got to work. The next day was church in the village, then Monday through Friday we were up at 7, greeted kids at 7:30, ran the devotions for the different ages. Then we stayed in the classrooms to assist/teach English or we were outside painting or doing other manual labor tasks. Then after school we went to the village to play with kids, which turned into painting a huge brick cement wall for a few evenings.
Monday, I got bit/stung by a bunch of fire ants… not fun. Tuesday my foot was double its normal size. It hurt, it was seeping where I got bit, it made walking not so fun. Wednesday I took the initiative to paint our teams mural on the wall outside. That was my favorite part of the week. Painting is so relaxing and therapeutic. It also gave me time to be alone and to think.
All that to say, the tasks just kept coming. By the time dinner and team time rolled around we were all so exhausted. We were trying to cram a months worth of work into 10 days! This barely left time for me to even be in the Word or to talk to Papa God. Not a good thing.
Living in a tiny room with 8 people doesn’t exactly provide much privacy or space. I noticed I was withdrawing and becoming irritable. I was hot almost all the time, I hurt, there was no place to get alone, people on my team were sick, I was getting sick and I was having a hard time connecting with friends back home. It was just so much. I was about to lose my cool.
Later, my teammate Alissa came up to me and asked what was wrong. I burst into tears and said I don’t know, I just feel off. We were suppose to be leaving for LDW (leadership development weekend) in a few hours and I just wanted to leave that instant. I was so tired of being sick and tired. I know I was coming off irritable and grouchy but I honestly couldn’t get out of my head. I just wanted to leave. The heat was getting to me, and I wanted nothing more than to be in a pool. Race life was getting to me. I just couldn’t handle it.
I was craving comfort and relaxation and the thought of being cold. Even though I was surrounded by a community of great women, I was wanting to talk with my other friends. The ones not right there with me. I felt alone and not happy.
The problem I was having was very clearly pointed out to me at LDW by a squad mate. He did a message on arrogance and envy. As he talked, the Holy Spirit convicted my heart about all that I was being envious about and about how ridiculous and petty I was being.
This is not an easy thing to admit. But it is true. I was envious of other teams, other adventure days, other living situations, other’s blessings. It was seriously out of control. This envy had a grip on my mind. When envy or jealousy have a grip on you, thankfulness cannot exist. I was in that place where I just couldn’t see anything good.
Now that I am blatantly aware of this, my perspective has changed. I have invited God and my team into this struggle. I am figuring out how to choose joy, choose a good attitude, and not to choose envy and the shame that comes with knowing this is a struggle.
This place I am in is also good, even though it sucks. This place leads me to greater dependence on the Lord. Which is where I want to be.
Now for my photo tour of the month:
I got to paint the foyer at Overflow Guest House
Then we had selfie time with the village kids outside Siem Reap
This little gem CJ came up to me no less than 20 times and said “teacher, your painting is so beautiful,” then he would hang around for a while smiling and giggling at me. He is my favorite! 🙂 Squeeze!
Here is the mural I painted
And last but not least…. not for the faint of heart… my foot!
