Envision this, a woman so strong in faith and trust in the Lord that she doesn’t have to worry or take things under her control. She brings everything to God and lets Him lead. Choices aren’t difficult because she hears from the Lord and its easy for her to follow through.
I want that woman to be me. But right now, its not.
Let me give a little background context. Last month in the DR was a great month. It didn’t take much trust or faith to go about doing what we needed to. It wasn’t hard and it was kind of what I expected to happen. I know we had posh accommodations but the ministry was exactly what I though it would be. And it was great, and fun, and I loved every minute of it.
Then debrief rolled around and the whole squad got together to review, to worship and to meet with our coaches and mentors. It was a great few days. I was also asked to sign up for a one on one with Dawnette one of my coaches. During our meeting something just clicked in my brain and I told her that I think I have a trust problem with God. I had never seen it in that way before, but once I spoke the words I knew it was true. She also had wise words for me after I told her this broken trust was from my deepest desires not being met. She said that I need to align my desires with His. He wasn’t going to align His desires with mine, it just doesn’t work that way. I made a promise to deal with this over the next few months, not really knowing where to go next.
Fast forward one week, and now we are in Haiti. Our second night here, I was hot, as usual, exhausted from the long dehydrating bus ride, and a long days work. I decided to skip the Tuesday night chapel service and have my own quiet time with God instead. Well, not exactly knowing where to go, but wanting to start on mending this breech of trust, I wrote a letter to God. I expressed my frustrations, anger, disappointment and a myriad of other emotions.
You see, I was angry because I have dreams and desires that have not yet been met. I really really really want to be a mom and a wife, but the fact of the matter is that I am getting older and this hasn’t happened. I thought I would be somewhere totally different in life right now. But I am not. And this hurts. I of course, interpreted this as broken trust.
But God isn’t surprised by my emotions and my feelings. He has seen it all before, heard it all, and he knows me and what I am feeling already. So even though I’ve never admitted this to Him, He knows. So writing this letter was actually a great first step in learning trust. Trusting Him to not reject my emotions.
The second step happened one week ago, on Feb 13th. Our squad had the opportunity to go check out this amazing waterfall and it was breathtaking. For those that know me, know I love water. Well this was the first time I actually felt good and cool in Haiti! This country is hot! Unfortunately right after we ate our lunch of PB and J, I started experiencing pretty bad abdominal pain. We got back to the base and I laid down for the rest of the day.
This pain continued the next day and I spoke with the nurse on campus and got some meds. They were not helping. The next morning it hurt badly and I knew something was wrong. I asked one of the docs to examine me, and she recommended me going to the clinic for an ultrasound. I got an IV, antibiotics, fluids and some other unknown meds. They didn’t help, so they decided to send me to Port au Prince for a more detailed ultrasound.
That meant me laying in an ambulance for the ride there, then they even turned on the sirens just to get through the crowds. This was almost comical if my belly didn’t hurt so bad. So we check into the hospital, the next day I got an ultrasound revealing that I have gallstones. Didn’t see that one coming. I stayed in the hospital for 2 nights then finally got to go back to the base.
Here is where the trusting God part comes in. They discharged me thinking I would get surgery back in the US. But of course the insurance company had other plans. Turns out I can’t go to the US. Turns out, I have two options, to stay here in Haiti and have it done here or to go to Costa Rica. As many people have told me, the location doesn’t matter so much, as God will be with me anywhere and he will be guiding the surgeons hands.
As a nurse, I do not see it like this. I keep thinking where can I get the best overseas healthcare? Where can I go where I will not get an infection or have complications? Well, I am learning it probably doesn’t matter. God will be with me anywhere I go. This is so hard to learn, but I was the silly one to ask God to teach me trust.
Right now, as it stands, I am going to have a consultation here in Haiti then go from there. I know there are tons of people praying and I appreciate it so much. 🙂
Also, some amazing news, I’ve been pain free for almost 3 days! Cheers to that.
So looking back over the past few weeks, I have seen how God has used this pain, and this hospital admission and potential surgery to really teach me to trust him. I have no other option than to trust at this point. This is against my nature and not my first choice for healthcare. But I am in the process of learning trust. It won’t be an easy process. But stay tuned.
