Going under the knife again…LOL
Update: Having another surgery today!
4/11/16
Up until today, my joy was still carrying me and I had peace with being at home. Then I go to a specialist to check my ‘area’ where I had surgery 2 weeks ago and he tells me I need another surgery. I have a fistula that needs to be completely removed or I will most likely get another abscess along the way. So…I will have to go through the same process again that I did two weeks ago, same type of pain, same lack of movement, same diet, etc. After a couple of hours, as I was processing what was happening, I began to feel angry inside and sad. I have a very strong intuition about things that are to come and I knew the Lord was nudging at me that I would have to stay home longer than “I” wanted. I love being home, but I feel homesick at home. Weird, I know. But being with my team, my squad, and traveling meeting new people became home for me. I love change and adapt well to it. I love meeting new people and trying new things. I love learning new cultures and languages. I LOVE doing missionary work and building my faith outside of what is normal for ME!
As I returned home from the doctor, I was breaking down because of the words and thoughts that were taking over my mind. They were bringing me back to a familiar place. I have always been somewhat of the sick kid, the weak one, the one who everyone doubted because actions never happen. I Finally stepped out, said yes, and went out on my own. I didn’t care about being weak or sick because I wanted to test my faith. I wanted to know that nothing could stop me. Though I felt that inside, I wanted to actually act on those words.
Yet again, those words were spoken over me and were replayed in my head. “We knew you would be the first one to be sick.” “I knew it was dangerous and not safe for you out there.” “Stay home where WE can take care of you.”
This is all very hard for me to say and be completely honest about. I want to be open throughout my journey and bring obstacles to the light, otherwise it will just consume me and I wouldn’t be true to who I am and what is happening in my life.
I went on this journey with an unintentional goal to show everyone that I Could go out on my own, step out of my comfort zone, and that the weak can persevere. I still saw myself through the eyes of others and their words.
I was angry because I wanted God to perform a miracle on me. I wanted Him to heal me and show everyone His power through healing me…hat I didn’t need to come home just to be better….that faith stands strong with those who believe…that the weak can be healed.
Why was I not good enough to be healed? What did I do or not do for you to take me away from the field? Why couldn’t you heal me away from home?
My heart hurt to know that I was looked at as that one sick person who couldn’t handle the environments.
I was still worried about how others saw me and what people of this World thought, when all that should matter is how He sees me. He knows my heart…He knows my desires….He knows my growth….He knows my strength…He knows my perseverance.
Its hard on your self confidence to feel that your flesh is not strong and you are always sick. I wanted to be gone for a solid year to just work on me and be away from all these distractions. Also, to clean my heart and life from all the past mess.
Humiliation and lack of worth entered my mind. The enemy knew where my weakness was because of what I have struggled with in the past. But by the glory and grace of God, my Father, I realized my growth in my faith.
So I “put on the full armor of God, so that I could take my stand against the devil’s schemes.” After only minutes, those negative thoughts were rebuked in Jesus’ name and my worth and image of who I am was quickly restored. How could I doubt this plan He has, even thought I might not like it or feel sad because I can’t see the goodness in it yet. His plan is and will be better than anything I could have created or followed alone.
I wanted a miracle of healing so bad that I doubted Him because He did not heal. But sometimes He doesn’t give us what we want because there is more growing to do…”life begins at the end of your comfort zone.”
And in his humorous way with me, He was showing me I was learning His Word and gaining knowledge, but it has not resonated fully in my heart so I needed to continue to walk it out. Well, I was walking it out alright. He didn’t want me to get comfortable on the journey of the race, so He threw me for a loop by sending me home. I thought I was going back to comfort and realized that going home now was not in my comfort zone. Going home was a test…a test of my faith and to see my own growth.
Peace came over me. I started to remember how good and loving my Father is and I began to ask Him “How can I glorify you while I’m home? What plan do you have for me here to continue your works?
I realized how thankful I am for being home and having this time with my family and being able to process ALLLL that He has done in only 3 months. My life has completely changed because of His grace for me. My testimony is truly amazing due to all that He has shown me and walked me through. I became thankful for taking me away now because I knew that there was something more in store for me here, whether it’s resting, taking time to process, spending time with family, or ministering to my family and friends. I do not have to understand the Why to being home, I just have to have faith and keep my joy in trusting that I am here because this is where He wants me.
He has a plan and I’m not going lose faith in it now. Just because I am not getting my way on my terms and when I want, doesn’t mean that He is punishing me. It means that I need to trust in Him and know that sometimes we must be patient for what is to come. “But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently.” Romans 8:25
“And we all, who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Holy Spirit.” 2 Corinthians 3:18
