“So guys, what do you want to do today?”
“I don’t know, I guess we could hike up a volcano”
And so the adventure began.
First off-day in San Jorge, Nicaragua meant attempting to summit one of two volcanos on the island just off the shore of where we are living for the month. It was hard. Very, very hard.
In all honesty, things got hard before we even got to the start of the hike. Difficulties with trying to plan a volcano hike abroad:
-making sure we weren’t being scammed by some tourist-eating monster person
-figuring out how 6 people can pay the exact amount it costs at that time, because businesses here don’t seem to ever have change
-trying to email our guide at 8 pm the night before to tell him where to pick us up in the morning- oh wait, our phones don’t work here and the crappy but only wifi available is a 20 minute taxi ride away
-spanish- ’nuff said
-swatting away the bajillion flies, fire ants, moths, etc that were swarming us while we figured things out
-trying to translate what our guide was saying after we found his phone number to call
-beads of sweat rolling down our faces when we are sitting down doing absolutely nothing
-buying snacks for our 8 hour hike- the only food stand on the way up had bananas, oreos, 2 packs of granola & a bag of hamburger buns. We stocked up.
So now we’re at the base of the hike and we set off for the volcano with our guide. The only thing is, it’s freaking steep! And we weren’t even at the “difficult” part yet.
An hour in, we made it to the lookout point where we could see the other volcano and the giant lake we are on. And then our legs fell off and were swept away by monkeys. Just kidding, but it felt like that might happen! We kept hiking up, trading off packs and sipping luke-warm water, eager to summit this monster of a mountain.
3 hours in, we weren’t even to the halfway point, which creates a problem when you have to be off the mountain by 3 pm because it gets dark and animals and all that jazz come out to “play”. We took another break and weighed out our options. When it was obvious half our team was not going to be physically able to summit because of medical issues 18 year olds should not be dealing with, we reluctantly decided to turn back. Reluctantly. Very reluctantly. Trust me, we all wanted to get to the top.
This entire hike had not only been difficult for me physically but mentally and spiritually as well. There was a lot of talking with Jesus and so many thoughts spinning around in my head and then on top of that, all of our legs and lungs were on fire, but a lot of things clicked in a conversation I had coming down.
When talking with my teammate and friend Lily, the Lord gave me what I needed to hear. We were talking about how frustrated we were with God when she began talking about how much He wants us to look at him as a real person and not some far away being, how he wants us to look at him as our God, yes, but as a friend also, and how He is so willing to take on us having an angry conversation with Him if it means us knowing Him more and seeking Him out through that.
Because when you and your 5 teammates are hiking up a volcano in Nicaragua and some of them physically can’t keep going, when some of them are dealing with medical issues that were supposedly resolved 3 surgeries ago, when your heart physically hurts because of what’s going on, when other friends on your squad are under spiritual attack (I know it’s not really a thing in the States, but here it is very real), when you are sitting on the bathroom floor sobbing at 11 o’clock at night, when your fellow racer and friend abruptly goes back home, sometimes you yell at God. But you know what? I think sometimes yelling at God is ok.
God can take so much more than someone throwing question upon question at him, maybe with some anger tossed in or maybe barely choked out through the tears, and He can take on so much more than our own hurting hearts. As much as he is the God who could destroy our planet in the blink of an eye or decide the eternal fate of a soul, He is also the one who molded us with His own tender hands and knows us more intimately than anyone else ever could. He doesn’t want our put together, church-on-sunday faces, He doesn’t want our cheesy Christian catchphrases, He doesn’t want our airy, half-hearted “prayers”, He wants us and He wants us raw, genuine, honest, and humble. So do it: Give it to Him! He can take you screaming at the top of your lungs if you are angry at Him. He will not turn away. Do it! Tell him the raw truth about what is happening in your life. I promise, He will respond, because He won’t not respond to the hurt that you offer to Him. Maybe not in any way that you expect, but He will respond. God wants your heart and everything in it, not a wrapped up package of yourself and definitely not anything fake, so why do we try and offer that to Him?
“My heart. It hurts”
That was my journal entry the other day. There were a number of things that i needed to hash out with God, so I did. I questioned Him, I yelled a little bit at Him, and I cried to Him. I heard silence for a while. I heard silence some more. I still haven’t gotten any crazy obvious answers to my questions, but I know that my Jesus took all of that with open hands, just like He did on the cross, and He is smiling at me with such incredibly tender eyes because He is in love with me, and maybe He is even crying a little bit with me, because when we give Him our pain He feels it right there with us.
As great as they are, don’t wait for a physically challenging volcano hike adventure to spark a spiritually tough conversation with our God. Offer Him all that you have, and don’t be afraid to have some messy conversations with Him if needed. He can take our hurting heart, and He will take care of it.
P. S. The good news is I shaved my legs, the bad news is that was a month ago and I haven’t shaved them since then
Here’s my heart, Lord
Here’s my heart, Lord
Speak what is true
You are more than enough
You are here, you are love
You are hope, you are grace
Your’e all I have, your’e everything
-Here’s My Heart by Crowder
