There are so many different things I have learned in the past seven months that I could write a novel about them all. In my mind, the day that I got accepted was the day that this journey began for me. It was the day that my relationship with God truly began to change. I remember laying in my bed one night looking out the window and I heard God say to me, “There are so many things I’ve wanted to show you.” I believe the most important thing He has shown me since then is not just for me, but for others too. It’s about grace.
I have always been a performance oriented person to a fault. I wanted to be the best at everything I did so that I could receive praise and validation from other people. If I failed than that meant I wasn’t good enough and other people would think that too. What I thought was, if I just do better and try harder than they will accept me. I viewed myself in a negative light and therefore thought others did too so I was constantly trying to prove myself.
Because I’m a performance oriented person, grace was a hard thing for me to grasp. Grace is not something we receive because we’ve done something, but because God’s done something. I can’t go to enough church, do enough good deeds, quit cussing and read my bible three times a day in hopes to receive grace from God. Basically, I can’t make myself “good enough.” If I could, there wouldn’t be a need for Jesus. The same is true that just because I don’t feel worthy or good enough, doesn’t have anything to do with whether or not God gives me grace. God loves and believes in us regardless of how inadequate we feel. But over and over- even though I had been saved- I found I wasn’t living my life from the grace of God, I was trying to live my life for it, as if I hadn’t already received it. Intellectually, I knew what God’s grace meant but my heart wasn’t quite there yet. I lived in the fear and shame of the struggles in my life, the past wounds, and hidden sin. My life reflected that of someone who did acts of service because they felt they had to, not because they realized God’s grace in their lives and therefore wanted to. I still looked at my life and who I had been and couldn’t believe that God could show me grace and in turn, that people wouldn’t either. I believed because my past was so decorated that I had to do more and be better to make up for it.
Even in the process of preparing for the Race, I have asked God multiple times, “Are you sure?” “Am I really the right person for this?” I didn’t feel capable, I didn’t feel worthy, I felt inadequate. Have you ever felt that way? Not too long ago, I heard Carl Lentz from Hillsong NYC preach the most incredible, spirit-filled, light a fire in your soul and make you want to build an empire for Jesus kind of message. (Hillsong lovers, see what I did there?) He said, “From grace we need to live our lives. It is from grace that we receive our calling and because of grace that we are able to do far more than we are capable of doing.” God spoke to me through that and reminded me that because of grace, I am capable and it is through His grace that He will equip me. But I need Him and I need to stop trying to live my life for it and start living from life from it. Then at Training Camp, He hit me with the same thing and this time it truly shattered the walls around my heart. The lies and messages that told me I was unworthy, not good enough, and incapable were silenced and replaced by truth, by peace and by grace. Those chains were broken and I was able to finally step into my identity in Him. Ephesians 2:8–9 says this, “For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift from God, not by works, so that no one can boast.” How grateful I am for that truth.
So what would it look like if we started living our lives FROM His grace? Well, it would look like walking away from the lies the tell us we’re not good enough and that we need to do more to be better. It would look like believing we are capable because God makes us capable. Believing we’re beautiful and called to a life of wonder and purpose, that God created us uniquely and we have something to offer this world. It would look like saying “Yes!” to that crazy opportunity, to that adventure. It would look like speaking up about what we believe in and not being afraid to be different. It would look like loving people regardless of the risk of being hurt. It would look like trying something new and being okay with not being the best. It would look like being you exactly where you are and not being sorry for it. It would look like endless possibility, it would look like freedom.
Learning to live from grace is a process and a journey, but there is so much beauty to be had in it. When we walk in it, it unleashes a whole realm of possibilities we could have never imagine. Sometimes we have to be brought to the end of ourselves for grace to fully penetrate our hearts. For me, grace brought clarity to who I really am. I’m a beloved daughter; cherished, beautiful, strong, and worth loving. No longer will I try to prove myself worthy by doing more and no longer will I live in fear of not being good enough. Jesus gave me grace when He gave His life. To me, there is no greater love than that. Let’s live FROM it.
