This is how I’m currently feeling (please play song):
Which is a WHIRLWIND to how I was feeling just a few days ago.
Let me explain, loyal blog followers…
This past week I had the opportunity to volunteer up at AIM (Adventures in Missions) with Project Searchlight – a week long “camp” for racers just getting off the field. The idea is to help them transition back into life here and to give them direction. My role (well, there were four of us) was to cook all of the meals and clean. Sounds easy, right? Boy, oh, boy was I in for a rude awakening. ..
What I thought to be a simple, easy week of scrubbing pots and pans, turned into a four day battle of doubt, confusion and anger. The racers we met seemed sad and lifeless. Yes, they were tired (they had only been off the field for three weeks) but they all seemed to have their joy sucked right out of them. “What’s wrong with them?” I thought to myself. “Shouldn’t they be on fire for God right now?!” Then it got worse… their stories started… We learned that this particular squad had some mishaps along the way, and half, I repeat HALF of their squad ended up going home between months 4-6. Some racers told us that they’d wanted to go home the entire time! “Whattttt?” This was more than us little L-squaders could handle. I (we) went into hyperventilation mode. “What I am doing?” “Why am I here?” “God, why did you lead me in this direction?” “Can I handle this?” “Am I tough enough for eleven months on the field?” “Can I ride a bus for seven days straight with no air-conditioning?” “Can I handle the bugs?” “Can I handle the heartbreak of mothers and children starving to death?” “Can I handle watching people suffering and dying from AIDS?” “Or what about the children dying from malaria and other preventable diseases?” “What about the child soldiers who are forced to kill their own families?” “What about the girls trafficked for sex at the age of five?” “What about them?” “GODDDDDDDDDDDDDD, where are you??????”
This was me on Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday of this week. TOTAL FREAKOUT PANIC MODE. I knew this was coming. I just didn’t know when. I mean, how could I not have a freak out?? I’m leaving my ENTIRE LIFE behind for a year full of unknowns, uncomfortableness (is that a word?) and heartbreak. So yes, I was pretty mad at God as I questioned my purpose and his power, but I have calmed down, and now hang my head, kicking the dirt, whispering his praises. I am thankful for this week because He taught me a whole bunch of things. He taught me that no matter what happens on the race, CHOOSE JOY and LEAN ON HIM! God lead me in this direction for a purpose. And although I may not know that purpose just yet, I cannot lose faith. There is an entire world out there that is need of a Savior, so I CANNOT give up just because I’m uncomfortable.
“God burdened my heart with a world that needs Him. I want to be the hands and feet of Jesus, and I pray that He will pour out His love through me.”
So I want to tell other racers who might be freaking out that IT IS OKAY. We can do anything with God on our side. Yes, this is going to be a difficult journey. Yes, our hearts are going to break. But isn’t it better to go through this pain with God? (Come on Kingdom Journey readers! Rise up!)
So to wrap up this little posty-post, I want to say that a week that started out with a lot of pain and confusion, ended well – it ended with peace and clarity. So, remember, no matter what happens out there on the race, not matter how upset we get, let’s end well. Okay, L Squad? Let’s end well!
(photo cred: Meg Hill)
