I don’t like telling people things about myself. Yes, descriptive things, silly details, funny stories, those things come naturally. The real things, the things that make up my story, are the ones that rarely find an ear.
There are less than a handful of people who I have truly shared myself with. Most people, some family and great friends included, barely know much about the real me. I like it that way. I don’t like discussing my private life for multiple reasons. It’s not anything crazy or exciting, but it’s something that is mine. I feel that if I openly share the details, I will be burdening, bragging, giving ammunition, or giving away part of myself. I don’t want praise, criticism, sympathy, empathy, or anything of the like. The details are for rare people who have gained my trust, and over time earn the privilege to hear my heart. Not that it is a privilege to hear my story because of the story itself, but I think that one’s story is intimate, and intimacy is something that is shared as a privilege.
One day this past week, one of my team members suggested that we have a time where everyone shares their “story,” so that we can all get to know each other better.
I cringed inside. I thought, “Thanks, but no thanks.”
I'm a lone wolf. I don't need other people. I don’t like being open. I don’t want to share.
I do like the idea of building community, and I love the idea of living together and growing together in the Lord. I'm even open sharing some success and failures, struggles and praises throughout our journey together. My whole life story? There is no need for that. I mean I don’t even know these people. What right do they have to know the details about my life?
There is a quote that goes something like, “When choosing with whom to share yourself, make sure you choose those who care versus those who are just curious.” Great quote. However, my thought process is more along the lines of “When choosing with whom to share yourself, don’t.”
I’ve lived 25 years with this mindset.
It’s wrong.
It’s selfish, cowardly, and laden with insecurity.
I have realized that while my personality and my natural disposition are God-given, I can choose how I use them. I've been telling people, and myself, since I started this trip that I wanted to work on vulnerability. Yet, the first time that a chance to be vulnerable arises, my defense mechanisms go crazy and I revert to my old ways.
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not a proponent of over-sharing. I still believe in being selective with things, and I think that it is healthy to be that way. However, God made man in His own image. An image that is unique because of intimacy and relationship. We are made to know and to be known, both by God, and our fellow man. Jesus even says in John 17:3 that the essence of eternal life is the intimate knowledge of God.
By not sharing my story with those who desire to know it, I rob myself and my community of a part of God’s unique creation, and an example of His glory.
Even though it will be uncomfortable, I owe it to myself and my team to be real with them.
Team Meno, Let’s do this.
In other news, Team Meno made it to Livingstone, Zambia! It took us six days to get here when it was only supposed to take two. We have been working with local churches doing evangelism, and we are working with orphanages as well. It is hot, but I am really enjoying the country and the work that we are doing. Feel free to check out other Team Meno blogs like this one, this one, or this one for more information about our travel craziness! Thanks again for all your support!
