So what was it that I had trouble praising God about? I was getting to spend time in a beautiful spot, with a similarly passioned squad, serving in an awesome ministry to orphans – what was my problem?
One:
Spirits of defeat, helplessness, abandonment, being entirely alone, being the only one working on what no one could do on their own, being rejected, not being enough, being useless, … come up with some of your own along the same vein of orphanhood and abuse, and they were there. These and other burdens weighed our squad down on arrival and through our time there. Sure, we can blame a lot that is truthfully evil inside of us on evil outside of us, but some evil was putting up a fight we were falling for. It tried to convince us to start off by raising the white flag even before fighting back. It made us think we could not fight. It made us think we were up against some daunting, impenetrable force. No matter what weight it truly held, it is nothing compared to God’s strength in each of us. It is nothing. A vapor. Like the clouds that frequently encompassed our isolated hill, it could do nothing to harm us that we didn’t allow.
Two:
Each day, generally, I woke early, spent time with God, jogged the hills, grabbed breakfast, worked in preschool, showered, ate lunch, did something for one hour, tutored Xolile, helped get dinner and talked with people, then usually got to bed latish.
Xolile is an 11yr old girl in level 5 at school. She is smart, stellar at jump rope, and enjoys drawing, reading, and being with her friends. But she didn’t want to interact with me. She didn’t want to get close to me – she couldn’t. She didn’t want help with math that she needed help with because that meant she hadn’t done it perfectly and she thought that meant she wasn’t good enough. All I could do was be there in case she ever wanted me during tutor time, and sit back and let her do as she pleased. I couldn’t help her grasp concepts when she wouldn’t listen. She chose what to hear and it wasn’t my encouragement in her ability to learn or praise over the sections of math she did correctly, or my delight in her beautiful smile or anything I could impart. She stuck around just enough to get correct answers in school without understanding, to get a cookie or anything she could from me, and, occasionally, to make me want to cry. I cannot help wondering: How much do I resemble Xolile in my relationship with God?
Three:
My afternoons were spent with Xolile, but in the mornings I got to work at the preschool. Before starting at the preschool I was in a meeting where three girls said they were experienced and wanted to be at the preschool each day to help teach whenever needed. I hoped to help there a few days but spend most of my time in the clinic. God had other plans. The first week I was assigned to the preschool each day, and along with 2-5 others assisted Katie, Destiny, and the teacher however we could. The second week we were asked to teach and I got to work with Stephanie to plan lessons and make materials. Then somehow I ended up teaching the next two weeks except for one day.
I’d like to say I was thrilled, but honestly I started off a bit resentful for bearing the responsibility of teaching about 50 kids (about half of whom needed to be ready for grade one the next year). They need so much more help! I was tired from doing my darndest to teach numbers and letters to kids who barely spoke English and couldn’t identify “1,” from lack of sleep, from trying to counteract a torrent of feelings that were lies (one), from feeling unnaturally weak and never full (insufficient protein), and from discouragement over how Xolile avoided me (two).
I realized I was viewing each thing without thanks, as if God was not giving me His best, and it left me completely void of joy regardless of the circumstance.
But I knew God wanted me there. So I went about changing my perspective to delight in each aspect of where God had me. Choosing to see things with thanks, to let go of my plans and be open to God’s, to praise God in all circumstances, to fight for joy and protect it … this extensive discipline was one of the most challenging yet fulfilling parts of last month. It’s embarrassing to list up there all the things I was at issue with, but I do so for God’s glory, because He took me from protest to praise profusely.
Individuals on my squad were assigned the ministry of prayer each day (I got to join them a couple of days!!!). Their fervent proclamation of God’s truth literally transformed the environment, what we thought, and what we felt. They fought to protect us like warriors. !
I learned to step back and not take rejection or difficult interactions so personally (sometimes the kids would mess with you just to see what you’d do), but to still care and engage and gladly help however I could. I went from being drained to enjoying my work regardless of what happened during our time together.
I got to eat an egg each day the last week and finally felt full one night. I don’t think it effected the others much, but let me tell you, I felt SO much better!
I posted verses where we slept, listened to worship music, and didn’t necessarily sleep a lot, but didn’t let it bother me.
Best of all, I got to teach preschool for most of our time there!!! It was amazing. Stephanie was encouraging and it’s cool that she let me teach. Sarah was vital to keeping the kids attentive and listening. And their regular teacher was a beautiful woman to learn from, cheerfully exuding patience and kindness. It was a delight to be with them and that doesn’t even address the adorable, precious, needy, intelligent kids. I entirely flipped from wondering why I was there, to flatly choosing them over the clinic when I finally had a chance to go. God gave me the best when He let me be there – Oh, how He showed me His love through those kids!
I wish you could have spent one of their lunch breaks with them. That was my favorite time, though honestly there wasn’t a part I didn’t like. Out in the yard they would all line up to get their meal (usually dense cooked corn meal, sort of like grits, and a brown soup-like topping) and then eat with their hands, sharing with each other, helping each other, playing with each other and washing out their bowls at the end. So much has happened to those kids. You can see in their faces understanding of things little kids shouldn’t know. They are really sharp. They are “unacceptably” rambunctious for American standards, but they are more responsible and get along in a deep protective unity that doesn’t exist back home. I seriously miss them. So while Xolile sat with another racer and hugged her good bye before we left, parting with the preschoolers was another story. We ran all over the yard, jumping off the wall, spinning around, posing for more pictures, laughing, tickling each other … it was a fabulous day. They loved me and it’s really cool to know that they know I love them too.
It’s also worth it’s own blog, but I learned more about letting go of my to-do list (and the anxiety and waste of time and waste of opportunities to glorify God that it can be) and instead pursuing what God has for me in the NOW. This included more worship, silent listening, art, hikes, deep conversations – pursuing the passions He’s given me. I’ve been considering the quote, “the glory of God is man fully alive,” and how God wants me to pursue my passions. Doing so protects me from pursuing sin/replacing God, from being hurt, and from being drained by my work. Quite the reverse, it encourages me to pursue Him and being filled to overflowing by Him so that I can pour out for others and still flourish strongly.
In the midst of all of this, I lost the sorrow I’d been unable to shake and regained Joy. This time it’s for keeps. I’m going to have to fight for it but I’m ready. God is for me, with me, and living through me, so I’m fitted with all I need to defend this God given passion. I am crazy about defending it because God is glorified when I am fully, joyfully alive.
Let everything that has breath praise the Lord. Praise the Lord! Psalm 150:6
The joy of the Lord is my strength. Nehemiah 8:10
