what six months of the Holy Spirit can do for a life

Yesterday marked the six-month anniversary of my World Race interview.

I remember a specific morning in Spain this summer when I walked up a mountain and spattered out a heart embittered by years of anger with God, by years of disobedience and keeping records of wrongs. 

I remember talking with a Godly mentor and two caring friends and being asked the hardest question I've ever been asked – "what do YOU want?" – and bursting into tears, finally admitting that what I wanted for myself could not matter, that I could not afford to entertain that question in my life, that I could not choose what I wanted and simultaneously die to self like I knew the Holy Spirit was telling me to do.

I remember being overwhelmed by fear of my own failure, not believing for a second that I could do anything the Holy Spirit was asking me to do, not believing that I was who everyone around me said I was. Not believing that I was who God said I was.

The past sixth months have been hard.

But when I look in the mirror today I don't see the same girl that answered the phone with a lame joke and shaking voice on April 26, 2012, nervous and afraid of rejection by the woman with the melodious voice on the other end of the line.
 

When I look in the mirror today I don't see the same girl who traveled to Spain, insecure and always on the defense, always needing to be right, always offendable, and terrified of honesty.

No, when I look in the mirror today, I don't see that little girl. I see a woman. 
 

I see a woman that is a living, walking, breathing, vibrant, joy-filled testimony of the power and active work of God the Father.

I see a woman that knows what redemption and freedom through the blood of Jesus Christ the Savior looks and feels like.

I see a woman of God who is a testament to the power of coming into agreement with the Holy Spirit.

Because you see, what changed my life over the past six months was one word.

"Yes."

Sometimes it looked more like a begrudging "fine" or a reluctant "alriiiight," but the power of the Holy Spirit started knocking me over when I came into agreement with God's will for my life. When I said yes, God said, "Finally, my sweet girl. I've been waiting for so long to hear that. Brace yourself for the life I created you to live." He cracked His knuckles, put on His work gloves, and began to change me dramatically. He began to show me the meaning of abundant life.

So even though these six months have been the hardest of my life, full of heartbreak and pain, they have also been full of some of the most joyful, wonderful, spiritual, God-overflowing moments of my life. I dare say they have been the best six months of my life. 

I remember the moment after I hiked up the mountain and poured my nasty heart out to God when He replied to me only with how much He loved me and so immediately softened the walls of my fortified heart.

I remember the holy mornings I spent praying with, being accountable to, and finally being vulnerable with the same beloved friend who had cried for me at the living room table.

I remember looking the Godly mentor and two friends in the eyes and saying, "alriiiight," and letting them pray with me and over me to break some of the strongholds on my life (a moment that became the catalyst for the growth I've experienced), all while I cried a beautifully disastrous, blubbery and catharthic cry, the kind that happens when you realize the extent of your own brokenness and how much work you really need.

 

I remember crying on Skype with the woman with the melodious voice, learning that it was okay grieve the sorrow I was feeling, learning that it was okay to be sad, and learning that sometimes the best thing is to "grow up and make a damn decision," even when wallowing in indecision is the safer choice.

I remember learning that I don't have to be scared of failure, that I cannot do everything by my own power but am hostess to a Holy Spirit that most assuredly can and that the power of that same Spirit enabled me to walk down the hardest path of my life, a path I had resigned to impossiblity, to become a woman I never knew I could be.

And I remember learning that I am every single tiny bit the woman God says I am.

If the Holy Spirit can do that in six months, I wonder who in the world I am going to be after the World Race.
Look out, devil.
And good grief – praise the Lord, y'all.
Praise. the. Lord.
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