So, this blog is going to be authentically vulnerable. I am going to do my best to be as real as I can be, because I believe in my heart that this is what God has been wanting me to do.
I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t even know where to start. I’m really good with writing and talking, and sometimes I can write or say an awesome, meaningful sounding sentence and not have any feeling behind it. Writing and talking are gifts that come naturally, and if I’m not careful what I say is a good thought that’s hollow.
I really just want to erase everything I just typed and close my laptop. And I think that’s how I know I’m supposed to write this..
I really hate messing up. I really hate it when I struggle with sin. I really battle with perfection. I want to impress Jesus. I beat myself up when I have thoughts pop in my head that shouldn’t be there. I battle with rejection. I battle with wanting people to like me, especially people in church. And I just, really hate it. I hate all of it. I hate struggling, I hate feeling like I’ve let down Jesus. I feel like I’m supposed to be His best friend, someone to never let Him down. Sometimes I feel like people will only see me for all the bad calls I’ve made and all the times I’ve messed up. And that’s twisted.
Jesus is the only one that will never let me or anyone else down. Jesus is the only one that is perfect. Jesus is the only one that can save someone from their sin issues. He’s the only one who is the truest friend in the whole universe. He is the one that defeated sin. Not me.
I yell at myself in my thoughts every day, especially when I feel like I made a slip up in a conversation, or something like that. The honest truth is, I can have way more grace for someone than myself.
Example, on Sunday my family and I ate at a Thai/Japanese place. When the waiter was handing me my plate, I reached for it, not realizing how much curry sauce was on it, and he didn’t realize it either and it ended up spilling all over my legs and my phone. I didn’t even get angry with him. I tried to let him know everything was okay, because it was not just his fault, it was mine as well.
If you reversed that, and I was the waiter, though, I’d be beating myself up hard core. I’d feel so guilty for spilling hot curry on someone. (And not for all the right reasons. Not just because I hurt them, but because now I wasn’t perfect in their eyes.)
I struggle with pride and trying to be perfect DAILY. I always have thoughts about how I am not qualified to go on the race because I battle with x, y and z. And, y’know, I’m truly not. Left to my own devices, I’m horrible. It’s really and truly only Jesus that makes me able to do ANYTHING. Jesus has truly been helping me with it, and I know I need to give Him more reign over those areas in my life.
I want to love others more genuinely. I want to love others so much because it’s the right thing, not because I want them to love me back. I want to love like Jesus loves, and I feel like I fail so often at it.
Writing all of this makes me feel queezy and uncomfortable. It all sounds petty and ridiculous to me because there’s so much more serious issues that people are battling with than what I am. But I really feel like, for what ever reason, the Holy Spirit wanted me to write this.
I wrote a blog sort of like this last night, and deleted it soon after. I won’t do it this time.
God is truly a good father, and despite all my struggles, I know He’s given me strength in my weaknesses. The work He started in me, He will be faithful to complete.
If you are struggling with things, you’re not alone. Even if it feels petty, God will give you strength and calm your fears. Trust Him.
Before I started writing this, He had me start reading Isaiah, and focus on Isaiah 61 I believe. It’s a beautiful passage. And if you have repented, accepted Jesus into your heart and serving Him…this is for you, and for me. We are called for such a time as this! We have PURPOSE, and not even our past failures and our present struggles can stop what God has ordained! We shouldn’t quit on our worst day, we shouldn’t give up when things seem impossible…we TRUST in GOD! 🙂
Isaiah 61
1 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,a
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3 and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord
for the display of his splendor.
4 They will rebuild the ancient ruins
and restore the places long devastated;
they will renew the ruined cities
that have been devastated for generations.
5 Strangers will shepherd your flocks;
foreigners will work your fields and vineyards.
6 And you will be called priests of the Lord,
you will be named ministers of our God.
You will feed on the wealth of nations,
and in their riches you will boast.
7 Instead of your shame
you will receive a double portion,
and instead of disgrace
you will rejoice in your inheritance.
And so you will inherit a double portion in your land,
and everlasting joy will be yours.
8“For I, the Lord, love justice;
I hate robbery and wrongdoing.
In my faithfulness I will reward my people
and make an everlasting covenant with them.
9Their descendants will be known among the nations
and their offspring among the peoples.
All who see them will acknowledge
that they are a people the Lord has blessed.”
10 I delight greatly in the Lord;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
11 For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness
and praise spring up before all nations.
Love,
Meraia
