Sometimes, the thought of blood or severe injury has a….er….negative effect on me. It's not really bad. And it's not even really the sight of it, it's literally the thought of it. Probably because I am capable of so graphically visualizing the injury or whatever happening to myself. And despite my eagerness to contribute to society, I have been advised by medics to refrain from attempting to donate blood anymore. The last two times I have successfully found myself unconscious (one time falling into the lap of a guy in a wheelchair! Embarassing!). However, I like to think I have a fair amount of control over this issue. After all, I was planning on going to med school to be a neurosurgeon at one point.
But the moment I walked into that room, it was less than a minute before I had to leave and pace the hallway, trying to swallow as much air as I could to keep from keeling over. It wasn't even that bad. Just stitches and some swelling. But maybe the effect was so strong because it hit so close to home. Maybe it was because it was my little brother, my favorite person in the whole world, sitting there in the hospital bed.
My dad and I just took a roadtrip from Tennessee to Orlando to be there for my 14-year-old brother, Bryan, while he went through a pretty significant surgery. In the last year, he has had four minor surgeries to remove non-cancerous tumors from his skull. They're kind of like (horribly inconvenient) bone cysts, and the first one was the size of a soda can. In his skull. Yes. Praise GOD there was no brain damage! This fifth surgery involved an incredible team of surgeons and specialists who went in, removed the infected bone and planted a bone graft, and reconstructed his sinus cavities. He was in surgery from 8 am till 5 pm–9 hours!!! And according to these ingenious surgeons, everything went perfect. Better than expected.
When I returned from the ICU hallway and walked back into my brother's room, it was to engage in a battle against the black and glittery stars that were trying to overwhelm my vision for at least the next hour. But it was worth it, for Bryan. To be there with him. And I only ended up on the floor once! Haha…it's actually a funny story. Bryan had asked for a drink of water, so I went to help him lift a cup to his chapped lips while a male nurse walked into the room to restock the linen cupboard. I couldn't help but stare at the stitches, reaching across the top of his head like a headband, beginning behind one ear and ending behind the other. Quickly, I became light headed. The male nurse walked out of the room to grab something. Bryan asked if I could help him sit up further.
"One second, Bryan. I think I'm going to sit down first…" I fell/sat on the floor, unable to even take a step towards the couch. "….right here." Two deep breaths later, I was well enough to stand again and help him adjust the bed, just as the male nurse walked back into the room. Oblivious, he continued to stock the linen cupboard in silence.
For the next three days, my dad and I stayed with Bryan in the hospital while he recovered. I've never seen a kid–*ahem* young man–so full of wit and humor when he was unable to so much as fully open his eyes. He was brave and considerate through the entire ordeal, more aware of others than he was of his own pain. That, my friends, is the fruit of the Holy Spirit in his life. A touch of wisdom and joy in adversity. I am so proud of you, Bryan.
Now, it wasn't always easy for my dad and I to be there. It's never easy to see someone you love go through trials or be in pain. And I love Bryan, so much. I tried to give him all my attention while I was there, to do anything I could to help him, or make him feel as comfortable as possible. I tried to guard his sleep, guard his peace. I left the room when he asked me to leave. I helped him drink water and eat his icecream. We watched movies, played cards, and I played my guitar for him. In every way, to love him. It was my mission. And loving him gave (and gives) me joy.
There is a reason I share with you here such a vulnerable part of my heart. You see, through all of this, GOD was showing me something. And when I understand, really understand, this one thing…
It changes everything.
It makes every day look more optimistic. It gives me peace. It helps me forgive others. It changes the way I look at every face I pass during the day. It humbles me, and makes me realize how big the world really is. It excites me. It answers so many of the questions that hurt or that I cry over. It fills me with passion. It helps me heal. It inspires me to be more selfless. It increases my faith.
And it is this: those feelings that I have for Bryan? You know, love? That's what GOD feels about me.
Just think about it for a moment. Don't just skim over the words, no matter how many times you've heard it. Right now, GOD is looking down at you and has DESIRE. To express his love to you, the same way we long to find a way to express love to the one we're in a committed relationship with. He created marriage for a reason, after all. To help us understand His committed love to us. Right now, GOD is looking down at you and is EAGER. Eager for you to know Him on a deeper level. Eager to spend time with you. Alone. Eager to heal your hurts, to take away those burdens, to answer your questions, to trade ashes for beauty, to reveal to you His plans for your life, to welcome you into his arms. Right now, GOD is looking down at you and Loves you.
A lot of my friends already know this. If that's you, let's just take a moment together to worship Him by acknowledging and enjoying His Love for us…thanking Him for the Sacrifice He gave out of Love…and receive it in truth. Amen.
If it's been awhile since you've put more than a glancing thought to this, or if you've never really believed it, then please take a moment with me to ponder it. It's true, you know? No matter how long it's been since you've gone to church, or what you've done. The Lord is near to ALL who call on Him, to all who call on Him in truth. And when I was standing there in that dark hospital room, looking at my brother with his eyes and face all swollen and head stitched up, standing there loving him, I felt GOD tell me that He feels for me that same burning desire.
And everytime, that changes everything.
Are you going to let it change you?
GOD is love. To know love, you must know GOD. And to know GOD, you must know love. How would it be possible to know this feeling for my brother, let alone for a child or spouse, if GOD had not first made the emotion? If Adonai had not first experienced it? I was made in HIS image…not the other way around. Would I be so audacious as to think that I experience emotions my Creator does not? Yet this is my innate assumption! How many times, or for how many years, have I been okay with the concept of me loving my future husband, or loving my family, but not being able to accept that GOD feels love that strong (or stronger) for me or anyone else? But no….I can feel this love for Bryan…because GOD has felt it first for us.
All of us.
And just as it gave me joy loving on my brother, I believe it also gives GOD joy when He gets to love on us. And you know something else? Sometimes I don't believe it just because I can't see it. Sometimes I forget or doubt that GOD is actually eager to love us (and on my worst days, that He's even paying any attention at all). Ever been there? As if my blindness can erase the existence of it. As if my very own stubborn, innate ignorance can defeat the Greatest of These, the greatest of the attributes of GOD. Not true, my friends. In fact:
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of GOD in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Romans 8:38-39
Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from GOD, and whoever loves has been born of GOD and knows GOD. Anyone who does not love does not know GOD, because GOD is love. In this the love of GOD was made manifest among us, that GOD sent His only Son into the world, so that we might live through Him…Whoever confesses that Jesus is the Son of GOD, GOD abides in him, and he in GOD. So we have come to know and to believe the love that GOD has for us. GOD is love, and whoever abides in love abides in GOD, and GOD abides in Him.
I John 4:7-9, 15-16
But when the goodness and loving kindness of GOD our Savior appeared, He saved us.
Titus 3:4-5
"I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore I have continued my faithfulness to you."
GOD through Jeremiah 31:3
"Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you."
GOD through Isaiah 43:4
When I thought, "My foot slips," your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.
Psalm 94:18-19
"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love."
Jesus through John 15:9
For GOD so loved the world, that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life. For GOD did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him.
John 3:16-17
That is, in Christ GOD was reconciling the world to Himself, not counting their trespasses against them, and entrusting to us the message of reconciliation. Therefore, we are ambassadors for Christ, GOD making His appeal through us. We implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to GOD.
Paul in his letter II Corinthians 5:19-20
Bryan had his surgery on Wednesday, August 22, 2012. He was released from the hospital that Saturday evening. By that Tuesday, he was back in school. Don't worry, he had his personality back before the anesthesia had even worn off. Praise be to GOD.
