24/7 community is tough. I’m not going to sugar-coat it; it really can be VERY hard. This is a new kind of community that I have never experienced before, and something many of you have probably never experienced either…and may never experience.
You go to sleep together, you wake together, you eat together, you do ministry together, you have days off together, you clean together, you just LIVE together…all the time. It’s kind of like being married to at least 4 people at the same time…but a marriage in which you are never separated, never go to work or to the store by yourself…On the WR they joke that you are only “alone” when you put your headphones in and turn your back to the other people in the room. Or you put your eye mask on, your ear plugs in and BAM, you’re now alone.
These people are really and truly wonderful, don’t get me wrong, but there are things that come up within you and are called out by others when in this kind of community. I know in Ecuador I wrote about the Lord’s refinement through this kind of community. I wasn’t joking when I said it was only the beginning!
Recently the Lord has brought up things in me through the words of others on my team and squad…things that I either hadn’t seen as issues, or just strayed away from addressing in the past. Now I am confronted head on with these wonderful people that know my junk, know what I’m struggling with and are now helping me push forward towards change and freedom.
Sounds beautiful, right? It really is the true definition of community, what it should look like. In actuality it’s a mess, but a beautiful mess.
I’ve been in the habit of being ok, making myself look put together and not seeking to dig into hard things in life ever since I was little. I have a knack for pushing things down and really convincing myself I am ok…And most times I really do think I am ok, typically because I’m not willing to push into the dark and difficult places. Now that I’m at a point in my life where I now can identify these issues with vulnerability and brokenness (largely through the help of my constant community), I am having a really hard time breaking through all the walls I’ve put up within myself so many years ago. How do you break through something you’ve never really identified, something that has really been present for years?
As I was praying about it the other morning during my time with the Lord, He said to me, “This is going to be something beautiful—a beautiful disaster, a beautiful mess. I AM the beauty in your disaster, I AM the beauty in your mess. Let MY beauty show.”
I’m going to take a stab at being vulnerable with all of you…I’m going to share my prayers to the Lord from this very afternoon on this subject, so you can see a little more of my heart:
“This is difficult and I hate feeling like a blubbery mess, but I know You want to teach me and mold me in this time of brokenness. These have been issues throughout my life and I want to get to the bottom of it. I want to know where this wall comes from and how to break it down. I want to desire Your acceptance alone. I want to be satisfied by You alone. But I also know you created us to live in community, you have placed me in THIS community for a very specific purpose. I may have to go through sad times of feeling lonely in order to get to the place you want me to be.
I welcomed your refinement and here it is. This is a season of pruning. I know I will continue to be refined, to have hard things be pointed out in order for me to look more like You. That is my goal, I want to look more and more like You, want to go through Your refining fire, knowing there is beauty and a closer reflection of Your image on the other side.
Thank you, Lord, You are good. You desire the best for me even if the best may come through tears and heartache at times. You will lead me and be beside me, as You remind me who I am and who You have called me to be through this process. Help me to feel You in a tangible way, especially in these next days. I don’t want to clam up, hibernate, and protect myself from these feelings. I know I need to embrace them and walk through them with You.
YOU are my refuge, YOU are my rock, YOU call me friend, daughter, beloved. Thank You, Father, for Your goodness and Your grace. You will sustain and provide as You lead me through this, not around this as I have treaded before. I am willing for You to take me right to the heart of this, right to where it may hurt the most, but where the healing and knowledge will come. Just like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, I know I need to be placed in the middle of the fire. Yet, I know You will be the other One that appears in the fire with me, in my time of trial, and You will lead me out…with no singed hairs, no burned skin…not even the smell of fire will be on me.
Here we go, Lord. We are going through this together. Let’s walk through my past, grieve it, learn from it, and walk more fully into my future. I want walls to break down, I want hindrances to fall, I want surface-living to cease. I want to be AWAKENED. It may feel like a mess but at least I will be awake and living in fullness. I know you desire the fullest of full for my life. Awaken me from my sleep, let me not just stick a big toe in, but JUMP in, head first with you, into what you have for me.
Please hear and answer me, what is this deficiency in openness and emotion from? What is this wall and how do I tear it down? Why am I so sensitive to the views of others, why do I so deeply crave their love and acceptance? Why is this surfacing now and how do you want to address it with me, where do you want to go in my heart?
Thank You, Lord, that You are close to the brokenhearted, You hear their cries to you. I could easily lay this down, buck up, and pretend like it’s all ok. But that’s not what I want to do or where I want to go. I want to go deep this time, expose my vulnerability, expose my weaknesses.
I want to humble myself before you, recognize that I am not enough, that I don’t have it all together and really never will…and that that’s OK…You want me to be broken, You want me to be humble. You want me to recognize my need for You and come to Your open arms running and crying. You have always been there, and will always be there, ready to direct and love me. But I see myself walking around You, walking in confidence but walking away from Your open arms, feeling like I can do things on my own. I don’t know what that is- maybe just an ingrained response mixed with my pride, but I want to be the child that runs to You, is comforted by You, and then once I have received healing I want to walk hand in hand with You, not in front of or behind You. I want to walk hand in hand with my Maker, letting You lead, not leading myself. You are the leader, I am the follower, now and (hopefully) forevermore.”
There ya go, real and raw…copied right from my journal. I need to post this before I change my mind 🙂
I know it’s messy, but they don’t call it brokenness when you have it all together.
As I was praying the other day the Lord put the song “Something Beautiful” by one of my favorite bands, NeedtoBreathe, on my heart. I’ll give you a few of the lyrics that touched my heart,
“And the water is rising quick, and for years I was scared of it. We can’t be sure when it will subside. So I won’t leave your side, no I can’t leave your side….
Hey now, this is my desire, consume me like a fire…cause I just want something beautiful to touch me. I know that I’m in reach, cause I am down on my knees and waiting for something beautiful. Oh oh, something beautiful.”
Listen here if you´ve never heard it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=en45u0POegQ
Before coming on the Race I prayed for a word or words for each month…so far they have been amazingly accurate, an accuracy only God could bring.
Ecuador: Refinement (yep!), Peru: Passion/Revelation (right again!) and Bolivia: Awakening (amazing).
So here’s to diving in. Here’s to being AWAKENED and living in fullness. Here’s to the words I formerly feared: brokenness and vulnerability.
I am convinced the Lord will use these broken pieces of me and put me back together into something more beautiful, something that looks a little bit more like Him 🙂
