Evan and I enjoying the sun in the park
So honesty is fun right? Even when it’s scary. Right? It’s even fun when you write down your deepest darkest secrets in a place where you know lots of people will read it and can judge you right? Fingers crossed all these answers are yes!
So here’s my secret. I seriously dislike myself most days. In my mind I’m unattractive, not “Christian” enough, funny enough, loving enough, kind enough or just plain old good enough. I know this about myself and I try to talk myself out of these crappy thoughts but sometimes it’s hard. (and by sometimes I mean most of the time)
So why am I admitting this now, here? Well because God has decided to kick my butt on this and I’m pretty committed to giving you all an honest look to my life on the race so here we go! (and because one of the most significant blogs I read while preparing for the race was from a guy demonstrating honesty and vulnerability and I want to be like that. You should read it. It's awesome.)
Before we traveled to Bolivia they had us pray about what we wanted to get from the month and I knew right away, I wanted to grow in intimacy with God. I love God but I feel like I’m missing a step. You know when guys or gals say that they love someone but they’re not in love with someone? That’s what I felt. So I prayed for more.
And I got to Bolivia and I prayed. And God said, “Oh no, actually why don’t we talk about how much you hate yourself.” I was shocked and completely caught off guard. So the whole month God and I processed through some of my issues and it was so good. But I was still wondering about the whole intimacy thing.
So then we have travel days again and we have a lesson from one of our squad leaders and he tells us that people who struggle with self-esteem struggle with intimacy because how can you be vulnerable and close with someone if you are constantly telling that person how terrible you are. And oh man did it click. I spend so much of my time thinking of why I am so unworthy of God’s (ok more honesty, anyone's) love that I can’t even believe, forget even begin to have true intimacy with Christ.
So that’s my goal for this month. I’m going to stop telling God how terrible I am (which telling Him how crappy I am is pretty offensive since that whole He made me thing) and start telling Him how much I love Him and love who He has made me to be.
It’s been a week and it’s been super hard. So some prayers would be greatly appreciated! I can see what my relationship with Christ would look like if I can just move past this and I want it so bad. It's so beautiful and good.
Do you love who God has made you to be?
Ada (one of the girls involved in Campus Crusade), me in my new $4 sweater!, Ginny, Bessy (our AMAZING contact) and Evan
Jessie and I chatting up a student outside one of the Universities. Be jealous of our matching red shirts…
