So during our marathon travel week we took a little time to regroup and refresh as a squad and it was just an incredible time of worship and just what we needed (our squad leaders are pretty epic like that knowing how to help us out!). So during that time they told us to take some quiet time and process about what we were thankful for, why we came on the race and what we're hoping for in the next month. And once again God showed up in a big way to reveal crap in my life. So here's the emotional journey that happened:
So I know right away what I want next month–a deeper intimacy with Christ. Awesome. Ok but how? How can one just have a deeper intimacy with Christ? Guess I'll start with Song of Songs, always a good place to start right? So I read these verses:
Place me like a seal over your heart,
like a seal on your arm;
for love is as strong as death,
its jealousy unyielding as the grave.
It burns like blazing fire,
like a mighty flame.
Many waters cannot quench love;
rivers cannot sweep it away.
Song of Songs 8:6-7
And I know that I want it! I want that love that cannot be quenched! I look around the room and see my squadmates in prayer and know I'm missing something. So I look back down and see verse that says:
You who dwell in the gardens
with friends in attendance,
let me hear your voice!
Song of Songs 8:13
In Peru I was missing corporate worship in a big way. Specifically chapel. I just wanted to sing out loud but I was way too self conscious. I'm a pretty terrible singer and I know it. I'm ok when it's just God hearing it but my teammates and the ministry contacts not so much. So I didn't. I didn't sing out and praise God because I was too nervous. And now God's calling me out on it. But here's the problem,
I'm in a room surrounded by people who were just told to get rid of every distraction and God wants to hear my voice? Now? Here? Ummm I don't really think that's going to work.
But God sure is insistent so I figure I can go up to the roof and worship up there.
As I walk up the stairs I see another girl sitting in the stairwell. Ok clearly she needed alone time. I hope I don't bother her. And then there are people sitting in a room on the roof and I know in there you can hear what people are doing out on the roof. Awesome.
So I start praying out loud and it's great. There's rain falling on my face (and the roof hopefully drowning out the cries of my heart) and I'm finally able to articulate my love and praise. My heart is feeling so light and free that I just want to sing. But there's so many people and they'll hear me and it'll distract them. So I whisper sing and I all of a sudden feel all alone. I'm just a girl standing on a roof in the rain wondering what happened.
So dejected and discouraged I head back downstairs. I sit on my bed and wonder why it's so hard. Why it's so hard to feel connected. So I move on to another thought, why the World Race and I look to Isaiah 58 because that's been a huge encouragement to me. I'm expecting to read the part where I can be the "Repairer of Broken Walls". But instead I can't even get past the first 3 verses:
Shout it aloud, do not hold back.
Raise your voice like a trumpet.
Declare to my people their rebellion
and to the descendants of Jacob their sins.
For day after day they seek me out;
they seem eager to know my ways,
as if they were a nation that does what is right
and has not forsaken the commands of its God.
They ask me for just decisions
and seem eager for God to come near them.
Isaiah 58:1-3
And I knew that's where the problem was. It looked as though I was seeking after God. Seeking His intimacy, His will, His guidance but not fully. And immediately my mind (and my fingers) flew to 2 Corinthians 3:17-18
Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the
Lord is,there is freedom. And we all,
who with unveiled faces contemplate the Lord’s glory,
are being transformed into his image with ever-increasing glory,
which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
I'm missing freedom. I'm still too caught up in what other people will think or how I'll appear to them. How is it that I'm 30 years old and I still care more about what other people think than what God does or what God wants from me? And I started to think what if those people in the room needed to hear that song or the girl in the hallway. What if they were struggling with wanting to just worship God openly and fully and I could have been the one to get it started. And then it was time to come together and share but I still just had all these thoughts and questions running through my head but because God's funny and likes to make sure I'm paying attention we then ended the night with worship. A time to sing my little heart out. But of course that's not all because clearly it takes me a while to "get it". Towards the end of the worship time another team leader, Nathan, stood up and read these verses:
On the last and greatest day of the festival,
Jesus stood and said in a loud voice,
“Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink.
Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said,
rivers of living water will flow from within them.”
John 7:37-38
And he ended by saying there's three steps to take. We need to want Him, to be thirsty. We need to come to Him to be filled and then we need to open our mouths to receive Him. What part do you think he focused on the wanting, seeking or drinking? You guessed it the drinking. Again Melissa, just open your mouth and praise! It doesn't matter. So that's my new goal. Which is awesome since this month I'm sharing a room with two teammates and two French volunteers and anywhere outside of my room are 30 orphans. Talk about intimidating. But this year is all about obedience and dependence so here we go!
And here's my challenge for you (because if I'm going to be stretched and pushed it makes me feel better you all could too 🙂 ): are you lacking freedom somewhere? Are you too concerned about other's thoughts? Is God calling you to live a life of abandon and you're still holding on to some chains? Take some time, think it through and then let me know! We can be prayer buddies 🙂
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*So good news, Lindsay and Lauren both have enough for this deadline! Yippeee we're all going to Albania however they don't have enough for Africa. Boooo!!!! So while you're praying about freedom in your life feel free to pray for them too 🙂
