I literally have started this blog multiple times. In my heart I know what I want to say but on paper it doesn't come out right. I want to be real and honest (with you, with myself and with God). I want to share my heart. I want to plead for your prayer support. But I don't know how, so I fall back to my nerdy writing ways–I'll make a list. This list has no rhyme nor reason but are the thoughts that keep me up at night.
- I want to love, follow and serve God in a passionate way.
- I want shine with Christ's love like I did when I first believed.
- I don't.
- I don't recognize that girl anymore. That causes an indescribable ache in my heart.
- I've tried to get back to that place. I've called out to God, I've cried, I've fought and yet I still feel so far away, so disconnected.
- I know the World Race is God answering my prayers but I fear I won't be "Christian" enough, will fail epically and fall even further away, coming home with my head hung in shame.
- As I continue to prepare for the trip I have these stirrings of what truly following Christ feels like but they only last a moment.
- I want that feeling all the time.
- I will miss family and friends desperately.
- But I wish I could leave now. I'm ready to pursue Christ with complete abandon.
- Why do I need to leave the country to pursue Him recklessly? Why am I incapable of pursuing Him like that now?
This still isn't ideal but it's better than the never ending paragraphs I had before. I'm sorry for the melodrama/randomness of this blog. The next one is going to be about Mozambique so that'll be way more fun I promise. On a side note, I have been continually encouraged by people, there's just this disconnect between hearing and believing. Thank you for all the love and support you've given through this journey already. I am confident your support will keep me going strong while I am away!
On a side side note I lied a little bit, I did pick 11 items because it's 2011 and I needed a goal so there was a bit of reason to the list.
