On my 25th birthday I cried in Old Navy. My feet were hurting from wearing impractical shoes for a day of shopping, in my hand was a shirt that I absolutely knew would not look right and I was tired. Tired of clothes not looking right, tired of caring so much about how clothes looked and tired of caring because I was so desperate to fall in love. All of a sudden I was hit with this overwhelming sense of shame and self-loathing. I was 25 and what was I doing with my life? I had had so many goals when I got to college: get a degree in Religion, find my husband, become a Pastor, and get a house all by the age of 25. And here is where I was: pathetically single, a degree in English I wasn’t using, still living in a dorm. I had epically failed. Luckily my best friend saw me, asked what’s wrong to which I (in the saddest voice you’ll ever hear) answered, “Nothing fits….” She looked at me for a second, grabbed the shirt, put it down and walked me out of the store saying one of my favorite lines ever, “Let’s go to Best Buy, media always fits!” I giggled and pulled myself together.
K and I @ Old Navy this summer-clearly I wasn't scarred for life!
From that point on I’ve hated celebrating my birthday. I’ve always felt as though it’s just another way of acknowledging how much time I am wasting in my life. I couldn’t see all the good that was happening or how God was moving because I was so focused on my to-do list. My hopes, dreams and expectations for my life. And so since January there has been this dark cloud because in November I would be turning 30. And in 5 years I was still in the same place as before: single, not using my degree, living in the dorm. I told my friends no to a party, we were just going to pretend November 8th didn’t exist.
And then something crazy happened this summer; I gave up control. I finally said, “Ok God, clearly my plan isn’t working out. What’s Yours?” And as you know by reading my blog on The World Race website, it was something so much better than my goals. The chance to live a radically different life, a chance to see and experience the world. All of a sudden being in my 30s didn’t seem so bad. Sure I’m 30 but I’m doing something amazing and exciting. The 20s have nothing on that! So we had a party, I don’t cringe (most of the time) when people ask my age and I’m looking forward to this decade.
Blowing out the candles–I did refuse to let them put 3o on, I mean I didn't want the house to burn down!
So here are my questions: what are you holding on to? Is there something/someone that you’re trying to control and it’s just not working out? Can you trust God to be in charge? I’m not saying it’s quick or easy–I mean it took me almost 5 years to let go!–but I know it’ll be worth it.
"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11 (The Message)
"Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track. Don't assume that you know it all. Run to God!" Proverbs 3:5-6 (The Message)
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- The title of the blog is a shout out to 13 Going on 30–one of the cutest movies EVER!
