To the Desert and Back

 
I haven’t had one doubt in my mind about going on the World Race, until
the past 2 weeks. Ever since April, when God first led me to consider
the Race, I’ve been nothing but excited. A prayer I’d prayed for SO
long had finally been answered and God was finally giving me direction
and confirming his next steps for my life. He said to me that He wanted
to give me this “gift” of going on a pilgrimage with him so he could
take me (spiritually) where I haven’t been before.  I’ve been resting
in the confirmation of how He’s guided me thus far, until 2 weeks ago
when I first started to worry if I would be able to raise enough
support to go. The seed of doubt was planted that moment.

** Let me backup for a sec to explain something…

One of the main
reasons, if not, the only reason I joined the Race was because I want
to go deeper with Jesus. I want my relationship with Him to be more
fully alive. To join Him in doing the “even greater things” in Jn 14.  To walk and speak and live in our God given authority. 
I want to join him where He’s at work in expanding his spiritual kingdom. To move at the sound of his voice and not doubt it or question if what I heard is
from him or not. I want to grow my personal relationship with him, to love Him and to be utterly convinced of his love for me so that
everything else pales in comparison. I’ve been challenged to ask God more questions, listen,
and act on what I hear him say – always measuring what I hear by if it glorifies God, doesn’t go against scripture, and requires my faith.I also know the journey on the Race will
require a keen ear to hear and obey his voice so that I’m not led by my own agenda, but by the prompting of the Holy
Spirit.  So I know God is sharpening my listening skills for a reason.

**Now flash forward  to last week…

 

Putting down my list of To-Do’s, I was having a great time with
the Lord and reading the Listening Prayer. He was prompting me with verses and speaking very personally to me. Then I asked him if there was anything else He wanted
to tell me. And he told me,  “You’re not going on the Race” among a few other things.

Thus begins my “desert” experience.

After going back
and forth with God on this, questioning if this was really true, and
knowing that he has been challenging me to obey his voice and how he
guides, I lost it. My mind immediately raced to everything I just gave
up in order to go on this Race, and how would I tell my supporters that
God said “no.”  I just quit my job, moving out of my house, and uprooting everything to jump off this cliff and go. It didn’t line up with anything he had been telling me
so far, but I also know that I ultimately need to trust him. My journey
with him is not about whether or not I go on the Race. But I DO know it’s about
following Him, WHEREVER he leads me and trusting him that he’s good,
even if the circumstances don’t make sense.  My head knows this, but my
heart? That’s another thing. This is hard pill to swallow because its a reminder that it’s not about me. It’s about Him in me.In my anger towards God for saying “no”
only weeks before I’m supposed to jump on a plane, I told him I should’ve just
minded my own business back in April and never took a leap of faith
that he would actually want this for me. Hmmm, sound familiar? The
Israelites who exiled out of Egyptian slavery found themselves
wandering a desert for 40 years. God delivered them from slavery, but
they too cried out to God that they had a better situation back in
Egypt where they were slaves, because at least they had meat to eat,
and not manna (bread from heaven) that God was providing them daily.


After hearing
“no,” I started getting a lot of other conflicting thoughts, and nearly
tossed the Art of Listening Prayer book in the trash (sorry Seth).
I was getting so confused that I told God, “that’s it! I’m done
listening and trusting what I hear because look where it gets me.” I
was angry, hurt, and utterly demoralized.  I had
originally planned to go on a spiritual retreat with God that weekend
to “spend quality time with him,” but I told God that wasn’t about to
happen now.  It would be different now. It would go from
spending a nice day with him to a wrestling match trying
to get an answer on why he didn’t want me going on the Race. No
thanks!  I told him if he wanted to speak to me, he could do it in the
Word, where its written down and I don’t have to figure out all the
conflicting voices and which one to trust.  Thank God for His Grace and
mercy and that he can take our raw honesty because I was much more raw
with him than this.

For two days, I
had my own desert experience.  I
drowned out the voice of God and retreated.  I felt so completely helpless, out of control, and
foolish for trusting him.  I asked God what the heck was I supposed to
do now?!  …now that I’ve just uprooted my life.  I lost all excitement
about the race, didn’t want to talk to anyone about it. I was scared.
Full of fear. Felt completely alone. And had a lot of other conflicting
messages. But Holy Spirit reminded me of this verse in Timothy…  God hasn’t given us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, of love and of a sound mind.  So I prayed he would help me deal with my fear and help me to think clearly.

Through my time
with the Lord, I was quiet long enough to hear. And he began to
reveal some things in my life that I’ve also noticed, but haven’t done
anything about.  See,  I have unfortunately allowed pride to creep in the back door.  I’ve had extensive missions experience the last 10 years, I’ve lived in India of all places, and Spain. I figured this Race would be
a cake walk. The World Race blogs, pictures and video’s
are the things that initially drew me closer to want to go on this
Race to begin with, so I planned to post the best pictures and videos, and have the
most insightful blog stories with hundreds of comments from everyone
including the coveted comment from Seth Barnes. I wanted to be the most
popular, the most loved and the funniest.  I had visions of me being the spiritual
mentor and and having insightful perceptions into peoples
lives. I wanted to give the appearance that I had it all together. I
wanted to be the coolest kid on the block, with the coolest clothes, coolest experiences
that people could resonate with all over the world and grow closer in
their walk with Christ because of what God was going to do in and
through me.  Basically, the envy of everyone.  (I know. Disgustingly
ugly and prideful!)

I could sense this creeping in my heart little by little, feeling
envious, feeling like I’ve got to “step up my game” on the Race, but
couldn’t identify it as pride and didn’t do anything to stop it either.

That same day, my good friend sent me an email with a verse that God gave him to share with me…

Hosea 2:14-16
14 “Therefore I am now going to allure her;
       I will lead her into the desert
       and speak tenderly to her.

 15 There I will give her back her vineyards,
       and will make the Valley of Achor [a] a door of hope.
       There she will sing as in the days of her youth,
       as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

 16 “In that day,” declares the LORD,
       “you will call me ‘my husband‘;
       you will no longer call me ‘my master.

God began to
tenderly tell me that he said “No” to get my attention.  And boy, did
he!  He said “No” because he didn’t call me to go on the Race for what
I was making it out to be. Revealing to me how I’ve allowed pride, and
selfish ambition to fester in. He said he didn’t call me to the Race
for the sake of my own achievements, what I could accomplish or for a cool life experience. It’s not a
competition to stand out as being the best at anything… best blogger,
photographer, spiritual giant, most influential racer, leader, or the
most popular.  It’s actually about dying to myself and letting God become greater.  Ouch.

An excerpt from my journal of what God told me…

“I don’t want you going on the race if this is what
you’re going to make it into.  I “DID” call you to the Race! But I
called you to go on this race because this is about me and you. Not
just you. Yes, I do want to give you this gift and I want to show you
great and unsearchable things that you don’t yet know and the Race is
the environment I want to use, but in order to do this, I must have
your heart, your undivided mind. I need all of you, Melissa, not part
of you.  I need you fully engaged so that I can prepare you and mold
you for what I want to do through you.

Like John Piper states…

“the power of the kingdom gathers many (Matthew 7:22) into its
net that will be cast out in the end because they loved healing and not
holiness; they loved power and not purity; they loved wonders and not
the will of God.”

21″Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of
heaven, but only he who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.
22Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in
your name, and in your name drive out demons and perform many
miracles?’ 23Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away
from me, you evildoers!’

I ended up going
on that personal retreat with God. I drove  through the Shenandoah
Mountains and spent a great day with the Lord. He
assured me to move forward with the Race in freedom. 

All I know is
this: The Lord allured me into a desert and got my attention. He spoke
tenderly to me in a way that His kindness led to my repentance. He
exposed sin, allowed me to see my pride, selfishness and what I needed to surrender so I could be
free to receive and be prepared for what He wants to do next. He showed me
that the Valley of Achor, or place of  “trouble” will be the “door of
hope.” The
peace and joy of going on the Race was been restored.