I've always been a go big or go home type of chick.
Everything that I've ever done, I've been all in or all out. Whether it be dieting & working out, being in a relationship, living the party life, or walking hand-in-hand with God; I'm either hot or cold. No in between. Until now.
Before I got accepted to the Race, I prayed. I asked God to make them deny my acceptance if it wasn't His will that I go on this trip. I didn't want to get all excited about it if it wasn't His plan for me. I didn't want to walk down my own path, I wanted to walk down the path He designed for me. Weeks passed, and I got the call that would determine my 2014. I was ecstatic. I was all in.
I faced a lot of opposition from pretty much everyone that I knew. They told me why I shouldn't go, what would happen if I did go, and that I would never EVER be able to go. I thought it was funny. I had so much faith that I could move a mountain. I knew that there was no way that I wasn't going to go. I was all in.
Coming from a poor family, and a small town, the reality of the Race began to sink in after months of raising next to no money. Through all of the doubt, I kept my faith, knowing that only by faith in God would this trip be possible. Still, I was all in.
I thought that if I went back to my hometown, my old job, and my parents house, I would be able to raise enough money on my own to at least make my first deadline. So I packed up and left my job and my apartment behind. I didn't pray about this. I decided on my own that this is what I would do. Big mistake. My plan backfired. Now with a menial job and nearly no income, a house and town full of negative Nancys, and a head full of doubt, I'm backsliding. I haven't been to church in weeks. Quit praying. Gave up. I am all out.
I am left with nothing.
No apartment, no job, no money,
no hope, no faith, no Race.
The old me is leaking through. Old habits. Old friends. Old tendencies. Who am I? With no faith left, I am mad at God. Not because it's His fault I am where I am. I know that I put myself in sins path. I am mostly mad because of what God promised me and what He didn't do, or hasn't done yet. Of not blessing me in the way that I thought I would be blessed. Mostly mad because He got me that acceptance call, but almost no donations, no help, no support, nothing. As I breathe the breath that He gave me, I feel ashamed. Doubting the only One who has been there every step of the way. Who am I? I'm all out.
Or am I?
For the first time I am on the fence. Torn between giving up and going back to my old self or dusting myself off and moving forward in hopes of fulfilling the dream that is not only mine, but my Fathers. Torn between thinking that I will never ever get the money that I need to go and having faith in the God that made me promises. Letting the devil lead my path or letting the Lord shine through me. I'm on the fence.
Pray for me?
