One of my biggest fears before coming on the world race was the fear of losing someone I loved while on the field.
This past Wednesday, I said good-bye to my grandma… over skype.
She has been sick for a while, so we all knew this time was coming, but never in my life did I expect to say good-bye to her over skype. The hardest thing for me then, and still currently, is not being back home with my family through all of this. Not being there to hug my mom, and sit with my brothers and just deal with life together.
While hearing my grandma take her last breath, my heart sunk. It hurt for my mom and aunt. I was in a sense speechless. I wasn't sure what to say, or how to react, or what to do… So I got off skype, and just sat there… and stared at the computer screen… as the tears rolled down my face like a river.
So many emotions that I hadn't felt in five years came back. The feelings and thoughts I felt when losing my dad began to come back. I didn't really know what to do, what to think, what to say, how to feel. Anything. All I wanted to do was go home and be with my family. I didn't want to be in Uganda, didn't want to be with my team, or on the World Race, all I wanted to do was get on a plane and go home to be with my family.
The walk back with Sarah to be meet with my team was the longest walk of my life. Everyone on my team knew what happened… they knew my grandma was gone. I didn't know what to say to them, what they would say to me. My thoughts began to over take me. It brought me back to the identity I had when my dad passed… At that time, no one knew how to deal with me…. no one knew what to say and what not to say…. So I became the girls whose dad just died. I felt the same scenerio was about to take place. In my mind, my team wasn't going to know what to say, or what to do, or how to handle me.. because I just became the girl whose grandma just died while on the world race. I was terrified to even meet with them again… terrified of the awkwardness… and just the community that was about to take place with everything that just happened. When we all got back together, I didn't say anything. I got in the van and just sat. Nobody said anything. I took the time to just mentally be alone and they allowed me to.
For two days I didn't even bring up the fact that my grandma died to the team. In my mind, I was the girl whose grandma just died on the world race… Nobodies going to know how to deal with me.. I didn't know what to say, or how to talk about it.. I let my own thoughts consume me…. until Thursday night.
Thursday night, Mike gave me an image… Of me standing with my arms open from left to right… looking up. He said that I was looking up at a waterfall, but the waterfall hadn't hit me yet…. it was there… waiting to pour over me.. and the water that was about to pour over me was love. Love that was about to come from my team… whenever I was ready to recieve it. And then it happened… I couldn't control my thoughts anymore and I lost it. Everything that happened was explained… and love began to pour over me.
My identity was re-assured.. I was not the girls whose dad died, or the girl who lost her grandma on the race. I am loved. I am a daughter. I am wholly and worthy. I am His beloved. I am loved by a team, so much that they aren't going to allow my thoughts to consume me.. or let me run and not deal with life that is happening.. Regardless of any situation, they are going to speak life into me. Which is what happened… Loved poured down. I am in Uganda, while my family is back home, to deal with this for a reason. God has placed these people in my life for this season and time for a reason.. and right now that reason is to be loved.. to reclaim my identity, and be loved.
So what do you think your identity is? What label do you allow your thoughts to have on you?
Are you the girl who just lost there dad? The boy without a dad? Are you the woman who was raped? The man who is consumed by his past?
OR
Are you a daughter of the king most high? The one who has an Abba who loves them so much that He would die for them? His Beloved? Worthy and Wholly regardless of where you've comed from?
All of us have an identity…. we have to choose which one we walk in. So what identity are you walking in? Are you the one whose dad just died…. or are you the child of the Lord most high?
The choice is yours.
