Uncharted Waters

I knew that this season of life would be “new” and not what I have been used to the past 4 years, but it sure is taking a LOT of getting used to. There are so many aspects of the past 4 years that I don’t think I have allowed myself to let go of or grieve, because I still have hope that it’s really not time to move on. 

– Not hopping on a plane to get to the next 3rd world country.

-Not having a solid community of believers around me.

-Not having feedback or healthy communication.

Where God has me right now looks nothing like the healthy, life-giving world that I called “home”. 

I feel like an empty shell that goes through the motions….my head is here, my body follows, but my heart is someplace else. It’s with F-squad in Latvia, it’s with the little malnourished babies in Guatemala, and it’s in the bars full of prostitutes in Thailand. 

Yes, I am comfortable. I actually have money to buy something nice every once in a while. I don’t have to wonder where my next meal is going to come from. I have hot showers everyday and a comfortable bed to sleep on, but I would trade those things in a heartbeat, to be back in the dirt in Africa. ( I never thought I would say that. )

Don’t get me wrong I am content, I know God is with me, but this season makes me feel like a fish out of water. Nothing and I mean nothing about is familiar. 

I know God’s trying to teach me something….I think the bottom line is “balance”. Learning to navigate through “normal” life in America while still living FULLY for HIm. It has not been easy and most of the time I feel like a failure (which I know is just the enemy being a jerk).  God’s grace is sufficient…I just wish I could hear Him and feel Him close to me, the way I could when I had the time to be with Him 24-7.