As some of you may know, and others may not, I have been having a hard time deciding if I should finish the race since my second month in Guatemala. It has taken me a long time to feel peace about either option, but through prayer, support from leaders, and guidance from teammates, I have the decision that I have so much peace about, and because of how much you all have come alongside me in prayer, love, finance, and emotional support, I only feel it’s right to enlighten you on how I came to make this decision.
When struggling with the decision to come home early or not, I began with prayer. I gave it up to God. I begged Him to make the decision for me. I have been praying about this for the past 5 months now, and I have yet to receive a tangible answer. Then it was brought to my attention a flaw I always knew I carried, but never dealt with: not taking my own advice. If you haven’t heard me talk about the book, “Just Do Something,” then we need to spend more time together. It’s an awesome book that brings to light the flaws of passivity. Being passive has, in many ways, become a plague among Christians because we feel spiritual for waiting. We feel like we are growing in patience by waiting to hear God’s voice, call, or direction. Now, I think it’s very clear in the Bible that we should always be intent on hearing and listening to God, but I also know that the Bible emphasizes hearing him and receiving his guidance from the word. God tells us so many times to pray for wisdom, why? Because he designed and gifted us with brains so that we could use them.
I believe there is so much power in the balance between hearing for direct guidance from God, and taking the wisdom you have received and walking with it. As much as I would prefer to hear God calling me in one direction or another (like he did when I left college) I think he’s challenging me to do something else; just walk. “Ask, seek, knock, and it will be given” (Matthew 7:7). Notice all these things require action. I fully believe that if you are walking intimately with the Lord, and earnestly seeking wisdom, he grants us the authority to blindly make decisions for ourselves and walk confidently in them- so long as we have the faith to know he is guiding us through his Spirit living inside us. I have faith that he sees every step I’m taking, and he will open the right doors and close the wrong ones.
I have given this advice to multiple brothers and sisters here over the past few months and they all pointed my dilemma back to that. “Melanie, didn’t you listen to what advice you gave me?” “Melanie, you’ve already given this advice you just haven’t taking it yourself.” “Melanie… you already know the answer to your problem.”
I still didn’t trust my gut or my instinct. I was (with good reason) afraid that those were too controlled by emotion and impulsivity. So I analyzed my prior decisions, looked into my reasonings, and looked for what had changed. It was pretty easy, actually.
I left college because I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t really like the college, and I lacked the necessary motivation.
I chose to go on the World Race because I wanted to travel while I knew I still could, I wanted to feel like I was doing something worthwhile, and I wanted to give myself time away from studying to figure out what I actually wanted to study.
I recently met up with a friend here in Lesotho who is in the Peace Corps. She has a degree in public health, which has allowed her to make a difference in the lives of children living with HIV/AIDS. Hearing about the work she is doing inspired me. I realized that while I can bring love and service to the people here, I could also bring so much more with a college degree. I have gained so much distance towards what I want to do during my time here on the race. I realized how much of a power house of influence America is to literally every part of the world, and I’m eager to somehow be a positive influence on that powerhouse.
I wanted to do ministry and work that feels like it’s important. I learned that what I count as ministry is different than what the World Race counts as ministry. I went into a lot more detail about this in one of my blogs (Before You Donate), which I recommend reading if you would like to know more about my heart towards this issue. The World Race has a beautiful passion for changing the lives of those in other countries and those who are the Racers themselves. I care deeply about each and every one of my squadmates and I have no doubt that they can make any ministry worthwhile wherever and whatever it is. I just personally believe that I can (as my teammate, Ansley, would say) “kick butt” better elsewhere.
And so to conclude, I kinda wish I didn’t have to decide like this. I’ve prayed countless times that I could hear God’s voice and that I would tremble with amazement and have no other option but to surrender to whatever he calls me to- where that’s to go home, go to Cambodia, or to the moon. God hasn’t been silent, he has just been encouraging me to ask myself what I want. Jesus calls us to be uncomfortable, yes, but he also changes our hearts to allow our desires to be his desires as well (Psalm 37:4), so sometimes the thing he wants us to do is something we want to do, too (crazy right??).
The Bible doesn’t always tell us what to do, but how to do it. No matter what I decided, I knew that I needed to have pure motives, a receiving heart, and act in complete love, kindness, and joy.
My mom said it well. She said, “Melanie, we only make decisions based off of fear or based off of love. It seems like you’re just scared to make the decision that would be loving yourself best.” You’re so right, mom. I wasn’t scared of the decision, I was scared of making the decision. I was being held hostage to the fear of making the choice- I was scared of the repercussions, and of judgement and criticism. But then my mom reminded me that we live in a world full of people who will criticize, so that’s why we need to walk in confidence in whatever we choose, and ultimately make sure we have peace about what we decide before facing the fear of what others will think.
The final thought put into this decision was funding. As I am not fully funded, I had to decide whether or not I felt it was right to continue asking for money for spending my time doing what I do not necessarily count as full time ministry. I believe that I could ask for funding and make my time worthwhile in Cambodia, but I also believe that that money could be used better elsewhere.
So I have officially decided to come home after I finish my time here in Africa. I am very confident in this decision, and I know that not only the Lord will be with me, but that I am still running towards him, even though I’m leaving early. If you would like to hear more on this issue or have specific questions, then you can feel free to email, Facebook, or call me. I will get in touch so long as I have wifi. Thank you all for the ways you have supported me these past 6 months!
