I don’t think that it’s a secret that I am a terrible swimmer. I don’t know how I managed to grow up without the basic skill of swimming, but I snuck on through life without learning.
It wasn’t until on the race in Thailand when I had a sweet friend named Mindy (who also happened to be a former lifeguard) teach me a bit. I learned how to tread water, float on my back, and frog swim across the pool. I felt like I was undefeatable! I felt like I could conquer any body of water.
(Mindy and I in Thailand. I learned to swim in this pool!!! I’m in the deep end here. September 2013)
But I couldn’t really conquer any body of water. Inside, I still carried the deep, established fear of water. I still couldn’t go under the water without holding my nose. I could only tread water for less than a minute before my chest started to get tight. I still had irrational fears of the water- such as being forced under by gravity, with the weight of the water holding me down, until I drowned.
I couldn’t progress in any other swim pattern- only doggie paddle and frog (which may not be the technical terms). I stuck to these simple strokes, making me insecure and embarrassed to even get in the water.
And since that time in Thailand when I learned to swim, I didn’t practice at all. So, with the fear of water and without practice, I didn’t get any better at swimming.
My heart got tight inside my chest as we drove to Semuc Champey last month for a mini-retreat as a base family. Semuc Champey. It means sacred water. It’s a beautiful, touristy National Monument, and also a wonderful vacation spot. In the jungle of Guatemala, there are these awesome caves and perfect turquoise waters. It’s known for being a popular “swimming attraction.” I began to question why I was even a part of this journey, thinking that I should have stayed home with the dog.
(“Sacred Water” So beautiful)
But in Semuc Champey, I decided I wasn’t going to sit on the sidelines like I had so many other times in life. I joined the group of “weaker swimmers” and we faced the challenge together. We swam from sand bank to sand bank, usually with a strong swimmer friend by our side.
We moved from one pool of water to the next, getting further and further from the shore where our stuff was. Most of our group moved ahead fast and our little group stayed together, taking turns to get to the next spot in the water where our feet could touch.
We got to this ledge. It was definitely a ledge. I called it a cliff when I first wrote this, but had to edit that, because I may be a little dramatic. However, it really was a jump. I’m bad at measurements, but I’m guessing at least 8 feet. And it took sooooo long to get nearly any of us in our “non-swimmer group” to make the jump.
Betty kept saying how her heart was beating so fast as we held hands fearful of making the jump. I looked back and realized that going back was not an option. We had to jump. And when I did—- it was so much fun! I made sure that Megan was in the water to help me if I started drowning or panicking.
But I made the jump alone, came to the surface and began treading water all by myself! I swam to the sand bank where the rest of our group was and watched the remainder of the group build up the courage to make the jump. We all did it!
(Part of our group, standing above the beautiful waters)
Turning 26- which I did a few days ago- is a little bit like jumping off that ledge into deep waters without being a strong swimmer.
I’m entering unknown territory, a little scared of what awaits, but a little excited for the thrill. It’s a new season and a new chapter. And God has BIG plans for me after the jump. He’s already showing me so much as I enter this next adventure.
First, I’m seeing that God is always there swimming with me. He won’t let me drown. If I can’t see the next sand bank in the water or the next “safe spot” in life, He will still help me to float. Looking back on my life, I see that God is truly the best lifeguard. He has always protected me, provided for me, and watched over me as I made my way through life. He never let me struggle so much to where I was drowning. At times, it may have felt like I was drowning, but that’s because I was panicking and not leaning on Him.
Jumping of the ledge is an invitation. It’s a choice. I’m perfectly safe on that ledge. In fact, God led me to that ledge and made it super nice and comfy and pretty. He probably wouldn’t be furious at me if I chose to stay there. I could build a house on that ledge and live there for as long as I want.
OR I could jump in.
You see, to make the jump, I have to have trust. And that’s where God is always calling His children.
To deeper.
Deeper relationship with Him.
Deeper intimacy.
Deeper trust.
Deeper waters.
(Art that I did, messing around, not realizing the great power in these lyrics from “Oceans”)
God has been calling me to trust Him more and more since I’ve been in Guatemala. To trust Him, I have to completely let go of control. I can’t count on my own personal ability. Especially in these unknown waters (of getting older), I can’t count on myself at all. I don’t have the skills to advance. It’s territory where “feet may fail” (a line from Oceans, one of my favorite songs-video below) and the thought of my very own feet not being able to save me totally scares me.
I am learning to be brave. Courage has been something that I have been praying about a lot. I am just so curious about it. I feel like a scaredy cat often. But I know that I would rather walk through life as a brave Jesus-follower.
And I know that scaredy cats would have stayed on the ledge. They totally wouldn’t have jumped into the unknown. One song that I am currently listening to on repeat is Brave by Bethel and a line that I love is: You make me brave, You call me out beyond the shore into the waves.
God is calling me into the unknown. Into oceans deep. And I am SO ready to take the leap. At 26, I am saying “yes” to Him and diving into depth with my Heavenly Father.
I have no clue what that will look like. It could include going into deep places in my heart. It could be digging deeper into His word. It could be diving deeper into trust, intimacy, and relationship. It could be letting go of things that don’t help me float. It could be practicing my treading in one place and not necessarily swimming to somewhere yet. It could be the hardest, longest, most painful swim of my life. It could be all of the above.
But I know that He will be there with me. And that going deep with Him will only lead to closeness with Him. And I can’t think of anything I want more than that.
Lyrics from Oceans by Hillsong United (video above)
Also, my prayer entering this season called 26:
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever you would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
That my faith would be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
