Last year at this time, I was in Mozambique and God was totally rocking my world.
I was entering a brand new, unknown, and a little bit scary territory.
The larger part of my life… The part without my mother alive.
Last year marked 12 years since my mom passed away when I was 12 years old.
Last year was an absolutely monumental time in my life, when I began to cope with a lot of the pain, hurt, and unresolved issues from my past. July 2013 was a month of many lessons and incredible healing.
I’d love if you read the blog that I wrote last year about this. You can click here to do that. It is one of my favorite blogs and favorite moments from the race last year.
Now, sitting here, I have so much on my mind as I think of what tomorrow is.
Tomorrow is July 31st.
Tomorrow will be 13 years since she’s been gone.
Another year.
It’s so crazy how much God has been teaching me the last 2 years that I’ve been walking with Him. Even on this hard day, He amazes me with all that He has to tell me.
In 2012, He specifically shared with me that the date of July 31st isn’t a day that I should despise. It’s a day that He made and has always covered and will always be in control over.
This is the day that the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.
Psalm 118:24
In 2013, He showed me verse after verse and spoke beautiful truths to me about how He’s always been with me, how I can be strong because of my mom’s death, and how to hug my unique story. It was a completely unexpected, sweet time with God.
Now, in 2014, I am spending time with God in prayer, asking Him to help me to not forget my mom.
A beautiful moment last year at this time was with my best friend Estie in Mozambique. I told her that I was terrified that I would forget memories of my mom as time went on without her.
It’s been so long since I’ve formed a memory with her. And I’m blessed that one of the last memories I have of her is a favorite of mine. But I feel like I don’t have the best memory in general. I am constantly forgetting things as simple as what I ate for breakfast. Forgetting my mama is one thing that I am most afraid of.
Estie was so gracious, loving, and compassionate and sat there with me as I teared up. She had me share my memories with her. We sat on a log in our pastor’s yard talking, laughing and crying. Daylight disappeared and we moved to sit in Estie’s tent. We continued talking. Estie was surprised my how much I actually remembered.
It was an amazing exercise, talking about the memories, making them fresh in my mind. And I don’t think that Estie was just being sweet when she said “Mel, you remember so much! It’s truly amazing that you have all those memories.”
She encouraged me to pray that God would help me keep those memories in my mind forever, so I did. I started praying that month. It was really crazy, because a few months before that I was praying for God to help me erase some past memories of a bad relationship.
God can erase memories. As He says he will do for Israel in Hosea:
For I will remove the names of the Baals from her mouth, and they shall be remembered by name no more.
Hosea 2:17
If God can erase memories, how much more can He make our minds retain memories.
He’s showing me so much how He delights in my desires and wants to be involved in them.
I’ve been praying to Him to help me keep memories of my mama for a while now, and He’s blessing me so much. I am given random opportunities to talk about her, I have an old journal of hers, I have countless photos of her, and my favorite thing- I have a journal she wrote to me when I was a baby.
God is not defined by time in the slightest bit. 13 years is nothing to Him. And He’s been so wonderful to me to show me that 13 years isn’t going to fade what I hold close to my heart.
This is my mama and I in 2000. (also- fun memory: my mom always wanted to be called mama. I remember specifically telling me “mama! I’m your mama” <3)
So tomorrow, I will light a candle in remembrance of my mama. I will playback memories of her in my mind. I will pray and tell God about how much I miss her. And I’ll probably cry.
July 31, 2014, 13 years since my mama flew home to heaven. God knows the number of years until I fly up there too. Until then, I’ll keep my memories of her fresh in my mind.
Thanks God for everything about this sweet time. I really love you.
