For some reason I didn’t post this last week when I wrote it. Either way, I’m glad that I did write it, because I’ve been able to see the growth that has come from it. I want to share it with you, what I’ve been dealing with lately.
So here it is. Written last Sunday:
I’ve really wanted to write. To write anything that would be worth reading. But every time I sit down in from of my computer, I have nothing. Nothing that I really want to write about, at least.
Should I write about how I feel pretty hopeless compared to the dreamer that I used to be?
How I am terrified of going home now that we have an official date? (December 7th)
How I have absolutely no clue about what to do with my life the second the race ends?
How I am still so unsure about what to do with my life in general?
None of those sound like appealing topics to me.
And they all seem like feelings that someone in month 10 of the World Race shouldn’t be feeling.
Shouldn’t someone in month 10 of the race be writing about how strong their faith is now or how they have their next big move figured out or a helpful packing list for future racers? (Well, I do have a packing list started actually, but it’s clearly not my top priority).
I just feel so backwards. I feel like I have it all less figured out now than I did before the race started.
My mind has been filled with what I listed above. Every day one or all of them cross my thoughts.
And you know what?
I have been praying about it. Since that is always the right answer, isn’t it?
But you know what I just realized?
That my prayer was selfish and wrong. It sounded something like this:
“God please help me figure out what to do with my life. Please work some miracle or give me a sign that will point me in the right direction. And maybe provide a car so that I actually go in that right direction? Oh, and can there be a place to live in that direction? Preferably somewhere that allows cats. And can there be an awesome community there too? Pretty please! Will you just help me figure out what my life should be about? Thanks God, Amen.”
Yikes.
Today, I changed that prayer. And my attitude all together.
I decided to get real with God. To be real with my Father.
I sat down and cried. I was honest and raw. My prayer sounded a little something like this:
“God, all I know is that I really want to just follow you. I want to do whatever you want me to do. I want to fly in your direction and land wherever and whenever you tell me to. I trust you with everything, with my life. Because I want to follow you. Whatever that looks like.”
And I know that God will be faithful and delights in my desire to follow Him.
So as I learn to trust Him more and more, I think my life will fall together.
Just like how He plans.
Since I wrote this, I’ve been praying that prayer. I’ve been placing my future in God’s hands. I’ve quit job searching, apartment searching and making pro/con lists to help me decide which city to live in.
And since then, a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I remember listening to stories about people who placed all their trust in God and let Him guide them and they made no plans for their lives. I remember just staring at these crazy people, jaw dropped and in disbelief.
Now, I’m one of those people and it’s super weird. And refreshing. And awesome.
And the best part is that I know that it’s what God wants from me.
My complete trust in Him.
My complete desire to follow Him.
So… I am absolutely clueless about what my life will look like after the race (in 55 days) and it’s absolutely wonderful. Because all I know is that it will be in the direction of Jesus.
And that makes me happy.
