After July 31, 2013 (in just 5 short days) I will have lived longer without my mom than with her.
12 years.
I was blessed to spend my first 12 years of life with her.
And in 5 days, it will be 12 years since she’s passed away.
I’ll begin the larger part of my life. The part without my mama alive.
To fill you in, before coming to Mozambique this month, I learned the hard truth that I’d been avoiding for years.
My mom’s death may have affected me more than I thought or wanted to admit or cared to even think about.
At first, I was super mad about this realization. It honestly wasn’t fair that I had all these long term affects from something that I had absolutely no control over and never wanted to happen to me in the first place.
I was bitter and confused and sad and really didn’t want to face the pain or healing or even just think about it. I wanted to check out and avoid it all together.
But… I didn’t check out like I wanted to.
I didn’t give up and hide.
I turned to God. I leaned on Him and asked Him what to do. He answered me in so many ways. And He’s been teaching me some beautiful lessons.
I’ve realized that God would never give me anything that I couldn’t handle.
He promised that in scripture. My mom’s death is something that I can fully be healed from. I don’t believe that there is permanent damage in my life from my mom’s death.
No, in all things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.
Romans 8:37
God has been with me through it all.
I finally broke and cried out to God, wanting to know how long this mess of a childhood will haunt me and hurt me. When will I feel like I’m at the point of “overcoming” and “healing?”
How long O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?… But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me.
Psalm 13: 1-2, 5-6
I ask God those questions about healing and sorrow.
He answers me reminding me that He sees me and has held my hand through it all.
I just have to trust in His love. His crazy love that He has for me.The love that has given me salvation. He’s done so much for me and I can’t see it if I am focused on the “why” and “when.”
My story is unique and beautiful.
A friend helped me realize that it’s not a matter of forgetting and simply “getting over” my childhood. It’s a matter of accepting it, learning from it and understanding it. All that I’ve experienced has been a part of my development into the person that I am today.
I may have had more childhood traumatic events occur in my life than the average person.
But God will use that. No pieces of my story will be wasted. Each memory, painful emotion and teardrop fallen will be used. They helped to shape me into the woman I am today. And maybe someday my story can help someone else.
And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to His purpose.
Romans 8:28
God is in control and this is His perfect plan.
Though I didn’t have control over my childhood, God was right there and He was in control of it all. The sudden death of my mom shocked me and was traumatic for my 12 year old self, but God wasn’t surprised. Nothing ever surprises God. He is all knowing. And He knows the plans He has for my life.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.
Jeremiah 29:11
My suffering produces so many godly characteristics that make me look more like Jesus.
Not only that, but we rejoice in our suffering, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope and hope does not put us to shame because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Romans 5: 3-5
All of those characteristics that come from suffering are ones that I desire. They will help me to look more like Jesus.
And it says that shame cannot be associated with my suffering. My past sufferings are nothing to be ashamed of.
I’m seeing more and more that my story is special to God and it should be special to me.
The negative effects of a child losing a parent are reversible with prayer, practice, and a deep desire to grow.
And the positive outcomes from surviving and thriving from a rough childhood are absolutely beautiful.
I hope to be strong, courageous, influential, encouraging, open to share my story, joyful, hopeful, loving, peaceful, and trusting in God.
It’s a lengthy process and an indescribable journey , but one that I am enjoying being on. One that will change my life forever.One that will help me to look more like Jesus.
As I enter the larger part of my life (the part without my mom) I enter it looking more like Jesus and less like the broken little girl I used to be.
And someday, I will see my mama again and that will be a beautiful day.
