Lately, my life seems slightly messier than normal. It's like I'm spinning out of control and things keep getting thrown at me…
- Skeletons from my past that I thought were completely buried
- Satan attacking my weaknesses
- Emotions running wild
- Memories that still haunt
- Lies trying to be stronger than the truths I was starting to believe
It's just been a messy couple of weeks for some reason. I was journaling about what a mess I felt like the day before debrief (We just had debrief in Lima, Peru. It was a time for my entire squad to relax, worship, debrief the past couple of months and hear from our wonderful coaches, Randy and Betsy Garmon). I was writing that all the sudden, I somehow took like 8 steps backwards. I fell apart. I had new and old challenges being tossed at me as I spun out of control and they covered me, making me the biggest mess I could be. And not a "beautiful" mess like some people manage to be. I felt unorganized, unlovable and just straight up broken.
I didn't know what to do. But God knew what was happening. And He knew everything He was doing in my life. The first session at debrief, Randy said that he and Betsy are here for us and that as coaches, they have a lot of grace and that they can handle a lot of mess.
WHOA! Did they just say that they can handle a lot of mess?! How did they know? Are they sure? Even my mess? I loved listening to their insight, guidance and wisdom. God placed them right in the middle of my spinning mess at the perfect time. He knew I needed them. He used them to speak to me and get me on track again. He used them to prepare me to deal with the mess that I am spinning in.
I was going through the notes on my phone today and found some old jumbled thoughts I had written about a sermon I heard on the radio. It was about how God is the potter and we are the clay (Isaiah 64:8) and that sometimes, we are spinning so fast on this crazy thing called life. Sometimes we just want off. We are sick of life and the crazy spinning. But the thing we have to always remember is that as the clay, we are always in the potter's hands! He is in control of the spinning wheel and He will never let us go! He knows what He is making us into.
WHOA! God you're totally speaking to me in crazy ways today.
As if that wasn't enough, the message from Jesus Calling today totally applied to this "spinning mess" I'm in.
"Rest in My radiant Presence. The world around you seems to spin faster and faster, till everything is a blur. Yet there is a cushion of calm at the center of your life, where you live in union with Me. Return to this soothing Center as often as you can, for this is where you are energized: filled with My Love, Joy, and Peace."
WHOA! Thank you God for speaking to me. Thank you for your reminders that I'm not too much of a mess, I'm in your hands and I need to rest in the calm center with you.
God tends to theme my months on the race. I think that He is very aware of how I learn best and knows that I can only focus on one thing at a time.
- Ecuador (month 1) was about starting to find my identity and the elimination idols in which I find my identity in.
- Peru (month 2) was about surfacing and eliminating the lies that I've been told in the past and replacing them with truths that He tells me.
- And now, Bolivia (month 3) is going to be a month of cleaning up this spinning mess I’m in. I don't know how it will look, but I know how I want it to look afterwards. I know the process may contain a lot if brokenness and tears, but that I'll end up resting in the calm of Jesus and looking more beautiful than ever.
So here we go! Skeletons get ready to be crushed once and for all, haunting memories I command you to leave in the name of Jesus and lies I will not allow you into my mind because I know the truths that my Father has told me! Month 3, I'm totally ready for you! Bring it on!
