A Training Camp Blog: Volume Two
The most important thing you need to know about training camp is this: In the most loving and humbling way the Lord met me, wrecked me and then began building me back up.
All I knew about training camp prior to arriving was that it was going to be challenging.
I didn't blog stalk former racers to find out the details of camp becuase honestly I didn't want to know.
It wasn't because I wanted training camp to be a surprise but because I wanted to avoid it as long as possible.
Challenging? I didn't want challenging.
I wanted my comfort.
I ignored anything and everything that had to do with training camp & hated that my squadmates were counting down the days, hours and minutes till camp.
& anxiety, discomfort and doubt all quickly began to consume my heart.
I wanted to avoid it.
All throughout training camp I was very much aware of the war occurring between my flesh and my spirit and could feel the two wrestling with each other as the Lord was revealing things to me.
& these are a few things He revealed:
Arrogance:
Lord, I love you but I need to graduate before I can give you my whole heart and focus soley on you.
Ouch. This one was hard to swallow.
Missing an entire week of class was extremely difficult for me. In fact, that I had to ask friends and family back home to pray specifically against my anxiety mid-week.
The way in which the Lord revealed this heart issue is probably my most favorite story from camp (though at the time I was completely frustrated).
I brought my Family Communication textbook with me to camp thinking that I could read and study during my free time. That was a cute idea. On the second day of training two large tarps had been laid out and my squad was told to put all of our stuff on either one of the tarps. As soon as we had divided all of our bags between the two tarps our squad leaders began to cover one of the piles. We were then informed that the covered pile represented the airlines losing our luggage and that we would be without our things until further notice. Naturally, my stuff was on the "lost luggage" tarp. Excellent.
For the day and a half that I didn't have any of my stuff all I could think about was my book. I felt my free time was wasted because I was unable to study and so my anxiety continued to build. When we were finally told that we could get our bags, I ran to the pile only to find that my smaller daypack was completely soaked thanks to the rain from the night before. I quickly opened the bag & my heart sank. My textbook was waterlogged to the point that when I picked it up out of the bag water was gushing from it. So there I was, ruined textbook in hand and realizing my focus was not where it needed to be. In that moment it was clear that the Lord was telling me to put school aside & make Him the priority.
"Both worry and stress reek of arrogance" –Francis Chan
Limitations:
God is much more than what I have made Him to be.
He is bigger than the tiny box I have tried to keep Him in.
His love is beyond my understanding.
I foolishly believe at times that I know all there is to know about the Lord.
I've constantly made God my last resort.
Throughout the week I found myself saying, "I believe, help my unbelief."
My "Guarded" Heart:
"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." Proverbs 4:23
Let me share the sentence that slapped me hard across the face.
"Shutting down and playing it safe is NOT guarding your heart."
Um, excuse me…what?
I twisted uncomfortably in my seat as the truth of this statement struck me.
I was suddenly aware in that moment that this is what I have been doing over the past two years. Shutting down and playing it safe. That my "content", "safe" heart is actually a scared, heart that has been hurt and as a result, placed on the sidelines until further notice. This didn't happen over night but occurred slowly over time as I experienced a breakup, deaths, the end of friendships, etc. To me, the investment wasn't worth the possibility of pain. The Lord is showing me how flawed this thinking is. He isn't discrediting my feelings or past situations but wants me to remember the benefits of investing in others, to remember that we as humans are going to let each other down but that He is faithful.
Training camp was simply a taste of what is to come in the next year.
The Lord meeting me where I am, revealing his truths and transforming my heart and my life.
That I would become less and He would become more.
