*****My team is working in the slums this month. I will be posting a ministry/location blog soon, I promise! :-)*****
Over the course of our debrief last week, my team played musical chairs. And the Lord put me in the leadership chair for my team. It is not what I would have chosen, but again, this World Race thing isn’t about what I want. The last few days have been quite burdensome for me as I have been trying to be a leader. I chose to spend today focusing on the Lord in order to become realigned with Him. The following is my journal entry from this morning:
Lord, I need to choose to need You. In my life, I have put You on an “as needed” and/or “standby” status in my life. And I used You whenever I needed something or wanted some relief from the present circumstance. I have not wanted to need You, to surrender everything. Because I have lived my life to not have to rely on nor need people. I thought it would just be better that way, less painful, less rejection. And now I find myself understanding that all the walls I created around my heart have done nothing but destroy my ability to receive. To receive love. To receive validation. To receive affirmation. To receive love, hope, joy, peace, but as it says in Your word, the greatest of these is love. I need Your love.
In my desperate search to find acceptance, love and validation, I had created this prison wall surrounding my heart, complete with barbed wire. And You have been chipping away at it the past few years, but You are now using a bulldozer because the bleeding has gotten out of control. You have to get in in order for me to not bleed to death. I have been suffocating in my abilities, in my strength, in my understanding, in my knowledge of who I am. You have brought me to this place, to these people, to Your heart to begin to understand the beauty of need. The beauty of desperation. The people we are ministering to this month…they know need. They know desperation. They know what it is like to “lean not on your own understanding.” They know how to receive. They know how to rely on one another for their basic physical needs. And they know a desperation and a need for You that I am only beginning to see. They have something I do not. The understanding of need.
Need strips away all pride and all dignity to expose us for who we are. My need is exposing me for who I am. A mere woman with nothing to offer but my desperate need for Your love. I have run and run and worked so hard to not need You. I’ve tried to survive on the small morsels I would taste periodically of Your goodness and love, but it is not enough. I am in need. And there is no denying it.
As we walk through the slums, there is no question of the multitude of needs. They are a desperate people in need. They need food, better living conditions, clean water, but more than any of that, they need You. And in Your beautiful plan for my life, You have provided this opportunity for me to recognize my desperation and absolute NEED for Your extravagant love in my life. It will take a movement from You to change these slums. To bring them home to Your heart and to bring light into the darkness. Only You can do it. Only You can bring them the peace and hope they long for. Only You can love them the way they were created to be loved.
And only You can turn my ashes into beauty. Only You can help me receive Your love and open my heart to be extravagantly loved by You.
I realize that I have yet to know true peace, to know true love, to know true hope, to know true joy. I have tasted them at moments, but my prison walls prevented me from abiding in them. Prevented me from the abundant life You have called us to live.
So, here I am in the midst of Cambodia, learning to live in the “slums.” To live in desperate need. Learning to receive what You have for me. And learning that You are far greater, far better than I ever imagined. That You love me more than I can understand.
But it is beautiful. It is a love that is all-consuming. That loves me for me. A love that loves me. A love that does not require me to be anything but me. A love that giggles, smiles, and delights in who I am. A love that notices when I walk in the room. A love that walks with me wherever my feet land. A love that is full of hope, joy and peace. A love that is just for me. And a love that is individualized for all Your children. What a beautiful picture it is that You love all of us with the same love, yet it is different because You love us how we each need to be loved individually.
Forgive me Lord for using You on an “as needed” basis and living in my own strength. Teach me to receive Your extravagant love for me. And forgive me for consistently pushing my family and friends away from me when they got too close to my heart. Forgive me for wounding others in my woundedness. I want to receive this extravagant love that is mine for the taking. Thank You Lord for Your endless pursuit of my heart. And thank You for believing in me.
As I continue learning more about the Lord’s pursuit of my heart, I recognize that He is using me to love the beautiful people in these nations. But He loves them more and more each day, as He does me. Which is why He is never content with my present understanding of His love for me.
So, my question to you is, do you know what it is like to need? Do you need the Father? Or is He on an “as-needed” basis in your life like it was in mine??
