As I was traveling in the back of a van this morning crammed in with 9 of my squadmates and a multitude of packs, I began writing the following list:
What If He Never…
lets me live back home in Ohio, which I dearly love
lets me go back to the church I love so much
lets me have anything beyond the clothes on my back
gives me a husband
lets me have children of my own
lets me see another tractor pull (this is one of my favorites, by the way!!)
lets me have a “job” again
lets me see tomorrow
lets me see my family and friends again
lets me have “security, safety and comforts” outside Himself again
asks me what I think
Even as I begin to look over this list again, I come to the bottom and wonder if He has ever asked me what I think. I’m pretty sure He hasn’t because He already knows and many times probably wishes He didn’t know all my thoughts!
I don’t really like this list. In fact it kinda makes me angry, teary and just plain emotional in one breath.
Yet I cannot deny that He is asking me how much I am willing to give up.
“Then he said to the crowd, ‘If any of you wants to be my follower,
you must turn from your selfish ways,
take up your cross daily,
and follow me.
If you try to hang on to your life you will lose it.
But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.'”
Luke 9:23-25 NLT
As I was sitting in worship the other night declaring “whatever You want or ask, Lord, whatever You want or ask,” I promptly refused His desire for me to dance before Him.
There are conditions on what I will do or how far I will go for His love. Throughout my life, I have given up what I measured to be my “cross.” But His measuring stick does not have an end to it.
He wants everything. All of it. He wants all of me. And I am learning that He is never satisfied with who I am today. Because He wants more. He wants more than I knew I had to give.
I’m losing my life for His sake because I see no other option in the horizon for me. Even through the absurdity of it all, I cannot deny that I am more alive when I have nothing but Him. It doesn’t make sense. It isn’t logical. It isn’t normal, but what is normal!? The normal I am experiencing seems more “normal” than the life I left. It seems utterly ridiculous, but why not!?
I’m losing it!!
