When I began to consider the things that I believe, the Lord reminded me of the brokenness that happened with Christina and the girls. As I considered telling the story, I realized that I needed to be able to articulate what it was like for Christina. So, I asked her to share her point of view. With her permission, I have chosen to let you read her words.
To be honest, I don’t even think the first 6 months were all that rough…between moving from one house to another, your work schedule, and the perception I had of you prior to your moving in (that you were nice, quiet, introverted…not one to “ruffle feathers” J) the first bit at Mifflin was fine. Things started getting a bit hairy, I think, when we started the cohort together. I know that something shifted to where you felt not only like you couldn’t measure up (not to who God wanted you to be but rather who you thought I was) but also that you were “wrong” (not guilt-based, but more shame-based). Although there were times when an encounter with anyone in the house was a bit “crunchy” as we would say, I know that the person you would at times let in the most but also shut out the most was probably me.
A major barrier that we both had to overcome and work through is the idea that “different is not wrong…it’s just different.” I do think, when the Lord is trying to teach us things, there can be spiritual lessons and emotional lessons to be learned, but I also believe there is a time when you, utilizing the will that God has availed you, either choose in or choose out…this choice leads either to more bondage or greater freedom. While you were going through this process, I truly believe that Ashlie, Shanny, Cheri and I were going through it as well, learning in our own lives what thoughts and mindsets were bringing us into greater wholeness or leading us towards more destructive tendencies. Our brokenness, and our healing, necessarily impacted one another because of the close proximity with which we shared our lives. So when you began to believe that you COULD (through Christ and the will He has given you) heal, and grow, and change, God gave us the love to show you through the rough patches and into a place of greater freedom. The love and grace we had, I truly believe, is not something that came from our flesh…that, too, is a gift from God.
Now I’m not gonna lie…there were times, especially about a year or so in, when I said to God, “I don’t know what else to do…I can’t make her know that I love her, and I can’t make her understand that I’m not judging her because we are different.” And God would use either time journaling, or praying, or a conversation with one of the girls to remind me that “…it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure” (Philippians 2:13). Just as God was at work in you, He was also at work in me, granting me grace and redeeming the brokenness with which I was living out my life. And the more we sought the Lord, received healing, and walked in His grace and truth…the more we loved one another as Christ loved us, this friendship turned into one of the most profound expressions of Christ’s love that I have ever known (and yes, even I get teary at the thought of that!).
Upon reading this, I realized that I had expected something different than this, a story of grace and love. With tears streaming, the Lord reminded me of that thing called grace that I often forget to extend to myself. He gently asked me to forgive myself for the “character flaws” that He has used to make me more beautiful.
This is the story of how He used my “ugliness” and turned it into beautiful brokenness.
This picture is one of my most favorites of Christina and I. She is one of the most precious people in my life, and I have come to LOVE our differences. She is a beautiful woman of God, and I am blessed to have the privilege of being in her wedding this summer before I go racing around the world.
