This is the sequel to “Identity Crisis (pre-training camp).”
I am providing another journal entry here for it articulates my experience at training camp. It is long, but I feel that it is the best way to articulate my journey from my “identity crisis” to where I am today. This was what I wrote during our “grief journal” time.
Journal entry 4/9/08
This is my attempt at this grief journal thing. As I was looking in the concordance for grief/mourning, I came upon John 16:16-33 where Jesus is speaking of His death and how they will mourn but then experience joy. My breath caught at the words in verse 22 “no one can rob you of that joy.”
I feel like I was robbed of my joy. Not being allowed to be who I was squelched my joy. And I long to have it back. I need to have it back.
Father, Your word says that I will mourn and have sorrow now but that rejoicing will come. And that no one can take it away.
Lord, I need to return to Your care. I need to return to Your umbrella of protection. Mine has holes and lots of weaknesses. And I could never fit into all the other ones. I tried and tried but to no avail and with lots of frustration.
So, I now come under Your holy, beautiful umbrella where no one will be able to steal my joy again. For it is mine. You gifted me with it. You named me with it. And I accept Your gift of joy and ask You to pour it out upon me.
As for these other things I need to grieve, I think I should start with my view of myself. For so long, I have hid behind my insecurities and “leprosy,” as it was in my eyes. I believed that people didn’t want to be around me. I believed that I wasn’t good enough. I believed myself to be this “ok” girl, but there have been too few times I have felt like a woman. Maybe it was that I was waiting for a man to validate my womanliness, which is probably the case, but I see it now for what it is. I still want the abandoned, innocent spirit of a child, but I want to behave as a woman, a beautiful woman. And I don’t know that I’ve ever allowed myself to be me. To be me as a beautiful woman.
What is it like to be a beautiful woman? How does it feel to be a beautiful bride? How will my world change? How will I be different? It is not that I am becoming someone else. It is that you are bringing me back to who I am. And that sits well with me. It releases the pressure of constantly striving for something that I know I can never achieve.
And I’ve done that this week. I made it through an obstacle course (not to mention climbing a very LARGE mountain!!). I did something that I knew/believed in my mind was not possible. The key is that my mind changed. I used to believe lies. But I know that I can do anything because You will never leave me nor forsake me. You are not like everyone else. You don’t turn Your acceptance of me on and off. You don’t turn Your love for me on and off. You don’t set limits that hinder my growth or that hinder/squelch my passions, my joy. You love me just the way I am. You made me to do crazy things and to love people to a crazy extreme.
And today as I sit out here on this beautiful, sunny morning, I reclaim myself – my joy, my beauty, my womanliness, my servant’s heart, and my innocence of a child.
Father, You know what I need. Restore me. I will be bold in my requests. I come to the throne room as a daughter of the King. I want a supernatural restoration. I want physical proof that You are alive and living through Your people. I want to shout to the world with my life that You are good and all that You do is good. I want people to stand in awe at the change in countenance of my face. I want people to want this freedom for themselves because they can have it, too. I used to believe that it was not for me, but now I know that it was a lie from the pit of hell. And I will no longer come into agreement with the enemy’s lies any longer. For I am free. I am free. I am free. I am free…… Free of the boxes. Free of the umbrellas. Free of the thoughts/lies that aren’t of You. Free of the feelings that weigh me down. Free of the hindrances. Free of the chains that have kept me bound. Free of the opinions of others. I am free. I am free. I am free. And I have complete access to what I have longed for. A Man to love me for who I am.
I no longer walk around with masks on because I have been set free. And now I can freely receive. I can receive Your abundant love for me. I can receive Your words of affirmation. I can receive that longing gaze that is so full of love for me that I just can’t look away. The shame is gone. The unbelief is gone that You really weren’t what You had said You would be for me. I know You say what You mean. I know You will take care of me. I know You love me. I know You do what you say. And I know that when You say “who I am is enough,” You really mean it. And I know that when You do bless me with a man to love that He will just be overflow. That my “little h” will love me for me because the masks are off and there is no longer anything to hide. For it is ok to be me. I don’t have to perform. I don’t have to lie about how I’m doing.
I can just be me. A beautiful woman in love with an amazing God.
There is not much more I can say than that, except to say that the enemy no longer has access to my identity. And that this joy and peace is indescribable!!
