The minute that I walked out of my counselors office after a year away, I knew that I had a blog to write.
Not about him, or what I had learned.
But about my guys.
About the men of Nsquad.
Back in Romania, a fiery passion was lit underneath me to write a letter to the guys on my squad. (you can find it here).
Paraphrased: I told them to man up.
After that letter, a friendship I had was changed, and I received some feedback that I didn’t necessarily take straight to Jesus.
Fast forward to Mozambique, to demons that attacked my head, to realization that maybe, just maybe I don’t want to listen to the men that God has put in my life.
Maybe I don’t want to be weak.
Maybe I don't want to SEEM weak.
Maybe I don’t want to be weaker then the guys that I was surrounded by.
It’s a really easy place to put yourself in when you live all 11 months of your world race on an all girl’s team.
I mean, for goodness sakes…I team lead “Team BA”
So yes, maybe I should have listened, dug into my soul, realized that the wall of strength and independence that separated me from the guys on my squad might not be just because yes I am strong and independent.
But because I really REALLY didn’t want to have to place my trust in these guys around me.
So here it is:
To my dear men of Nsquad:
To:Buff, Eric, Justin, Joey, Daniel, Michael, Thomas, Nick, Kyle, Jan, Jeffrey, Joshua and Randy
Thank you.
I haven’t had a lot of guys in my life that I chose to stick near long enough to trust.
I’ve never had a male boss, I’ve never really been in a position to lead a guy. I've had two older men; one a counselor, one a mentor that have been in my life for then a minute.
I saw them both last week
But I realized something walking out of my counselor’s office last week.
I've been seeing him for about 4 years.
And when I walked out of the office I realized that for the first time I sat in that office and had absolutely no anxiety.
You see, I would sit in his office for an hour every week and for the first half of that I would have crippling anxiety.
I would still talk, still listen to him, but there was something hindering me from jumping in.
I trusted him, probably told him more than I tell most people.
But I had to fight to find trust.
And Thursday as I sat there for the first time in a year, I was comfortable.
And it’s because of you guys.
It’s from all of the times I sat across from a table from one of you.
From all the times I got inwardly mad (or outwardly mad..I think normally yelling at Buff or Eric) when you would walk next to the street on the sidewalk.
For all of the times you spoke words of truth into my life that majorly impacted the woman I have become.
Because I don’t know if you noticed…I pretty much think I can do it on my own.
But your persistence in being the men of Christ that you are…showed me a picture of Him, of the ways that I could trust Him to be there and care for me in spite of my independence.
Thank you for walking your life so well….for allowing us as the women of NSquad to see your flaws, your brokenness and how you leaned on Christ and persevered through them.
Keep doing all of those things, keep loving well.
You mean SO VERY MUCH to me. I can't wait to see all of the ways you rock the world for Jesus.
With a lot of love
the mostly big sister,
Meg
